Kundalini Splendor

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Saturday, November 26, 2005

Merrilee Encounters the Shadow 

Here are previous entries describing Merrilee's ongoing Kundalini awakening:

October 11th - Kundalini and Sex
October 26th - Divine Union
November 1st - Kriyas, Inner Visions, Hidden Messages
November 4th - Merrilee and Mechtild of Magdeburg
November 8th - More from Merrilee
November 12th - Merrilee's Journey Continues
November 15th - Merrilee's Journey Continues
November 18th - Merrilee's Story Continues--A Study in Contrasts
November 20th - Merrilee's Mystical Vision

In the course of Kundalini awakening, all sorts of material held in the subconscious may come to light, including disturbing thoughts and images. Here is Merrilee's account of her recent encounter with some of these "negative images." I have included my reply to her e-mail, since she had asked for help in interpreting her experience.

The below happened on Thursday, November 17th.

I decided to listen to only the last half of my Chakra Chants CD. During tracks 4 through 6, I did a lot of hand and arm "dancing" while sitting in my chair. This was very similar to what I did in my session on November 13th.

The dancing occurred even though this CD doesn't have any kind of drumbeat in the music. The dancing actually had no relevance to the music whatsoever. I guess my Inner Beloved was just in the mood to dance! I also felt the urge to get out of my chair and dance standing up, but I resisted. I suspect I will be dancing the regular way in the not-too-distant future.

During the 7th track, I had some visions which were kind of dark and perhaps a little bit creepy, depending on how you interpret them, and there was one that was definitely creepy, which I’m still trying to process. The very last vision was a positive one.

In my first vision, I saw a fast-moving slide show of the faces of statues made out of black stone. Some of the faces looked a bit evil or demonic. They also could have been faces of Eastern gods/goddesses, some of which look rather demonic to my Western eye. I've actually seen a painting of a demonic-looking (to me), black-faced Kali that rather scared me. So I think it depends on how you interpret the faces, and I choose to interpret them as Eastern gods and goddesses who are not evil.

These images eventually morphed into gargoyles, specifically the ones on the cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. For whatever reasons, demonic-looking gargoyles don't scare me. Then I started seeing the walls of other buildings in a medieval Paris. I eventually came back to Notre Dame, and finally to the square in front of the cathedral.

Now this is the definitely creepy thing. There were people milling about in the square in medieval garb, including some man who was actually me. There was also some poor woman there who was distraught, crying, in pain and, I think, giving birth while somehow being restrained by the authorities. This man-who-was-me felt glad that this woman was suffering!!! That's what was creepy to me. I don't know what to do with how this man-who-was-me felt. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions about this?

I had one last vision before the CD ended. My hands were opened up and my thumbs were joined together, as were my index fingers, to form a large diamond shape, as opposed to the tiny diamond-shaped aperture in my session on November 13th. My body was bent at the waist and my hands were brought to my face so my third eye was looking through the diamond. At first all I saw was darkness, and then an item appeared to swim up through the blackness. It was a glass and gold vessel that contained a consecrated host or communion wafer. The word “ciborium” came into my head. And then everything went black.

After my session, I did some research on Catholic ritual vessels (which have always fascinated me, by the way), and learned that a ciborium is actually a chalice-like vessel that contains the communion host. What I saw was more like a modern day pyx, which is used to carry communion to the sick. But I also learned that these two terms have been used interchangeable in the past, especially in the Middle Ages, which is the period that seems to resonate the most with me.


Dorothy wrote:

I'm not sure what the dark images mean, other than we open the depths of the subconscious where the shadow lurks, as well as the places of love and light. Some people get so disturbed by the "dark images" that they lose their balance, and undergo serious emotional distress. I don't see this happening to you. Here are two (maybe more) thoughts:

l. These images always lurk in the subconscious--only certain conditions bring them forth. They remind me of the Tibetan descriptions of the bardo states we enter after death. One is filled with the "wrathful deities" who challenge and disturb us. The instruction is to remember that these are merely products of our own imagination, not realities, and that holding this thought will carry us safely through.

2. Now--when you connect these forebodings to the European experience--you first relate the distorted faces to the gargoyles (something you can relate to more easily--guarding spirits). A good transition. Then you shift to the man. I don't know of course who this is, but what it suggests to me is that you are afraid in your deepest self that you might somehow be callous to another's pain--even enjoy it. (This is not to say you are that way--only that you are afraid that somehow you could be--this is the last thing you would want to become.)

However, you are in fact a very, very generous spirit--just the opposite of the image. It is possible that you "overcompensate" a bit to ensure you are not the shadow being, that which you fear.

Merrilee, you have a beautiful, generous loving spirit. The thing to do with a "shadow" image is to acknowledge it and go on.

3. I suppose somebody might say you were the "bad guy" in some former life and now are trying to make up for your misdeeds by being a "good person." But I don't go in much for this kind of "past life karma". I prefer the previous interpretation. A better interpretation (I think) is that you are able to perceive and even share the consciousness of both--the abuser and the abused, the villain and the victim. They "are you" in the sense that we are in fact all one person, perhaps we have played both roles in time, and perhaps part of your process is coming to this realization. (Very hard one, I still struggle with it, can't think I ever could or would commit such evil--yet I know the opposite must be true.)

The one thing that comes up for me again and again about past life experience is that I must have been tortured at some point. I don't know and don't want to know where or when, but that is part (only part) of what I brought in. I also have a theory (may or may not be true) that people who have undergone extreme suffering in a past life are "rewarded" by kundalini (or some other form of transcendent awakening) in this. It is almost as though one has earned it somehow through past suffering (now turned to bliss).

And the ending--the vision of the chalice--is quite beautiful. You are "saved" by your connection to the sacred. You pass through the "bardo" safely, and are blessed by the spirit of the sanctified vessel. Wonderful!

Merrilee, I am writing off the top of my head here. Sift through and take any of it that seems o.k. You will ultimately find your own interpretation--what feels right for you.

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