Kundalini Splendor

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Monday, October 30, 2006

Cloud of Unknowing Writes on Ego and Integration 

Here is a very interesting exchange between "Cloud" and the Goddess, who speaks wisely about the role of the subconscious and the ego and the need to integrate the various strands of his experience.

October 30, 2006


The Goddess awoke me at 1 AM, to summarize the meaning of our dreamwork in a state where I could write it down and remember it and possibly share it with others. I don’t remember the dreams that led to this conversation, but I remember the conversation we had after I awoke.

Me: I love you.

Goddess: I love you, too.

Me: I doubt you still.

Goddess: I know. That’s fine…doubt is part of the learning process. Doubt is how you learn more about Me. You have a powerful analytical mind…I don’t ask you to shut it off. It has served you well for years. I only ask it to listen to Me when I speak, and to listen to what the feeling, experiencing part of your mind says as well. You need to use both your left brain and your right brain, and they need to learn from each other.

Me: I’m listening.

Goddess: So am I. Ask your questions.

Me: Are you merely my subconscious mind?

Goddess: Yes. I am your subconscious but there is nothing “mere” about it. I am also part of your conscious mind, and the totality of your supra-conscious mind. Remember, these are all parts of you, and you are part of Me, so of course they are parts of Me as well.

Me: The ego is part of my mind as well.

Goddess: Yes. The fear-ego is also a part of the human mind, a very powerful and important part that serves a protective function, especially early in physical life. But eventually you reach the point where the power of fear stops serving you in the way it should, and you begin to serve it. At this stage I development, you need to outgrow it, through Love, as I have explained before.

Me: But even after I outgrow ego and its fears, it will still exist.

Goddess: Yes, as long as you exist on this material plane, the fear-ego will still exist in some form. And it NEEDS to…it is the part of you that prevents you from getting hit by a bus or putting your hand on a hot stove. The point is that as you grow spiritually and begin to realize your true nature as a being of energy and light and love, you learn how to make your fear-ego serve you, not the other way around. You learn to put it in its proper place.

Me: And it now strikes me that the sex-ego is related to the fear-ego…the sex-ego is the positive side of the life force, the part that embraces life rather than fears it.

Goddess: Yes. You need the sex-ego as much as you need the fear-ego. These energies are necessary for survival on this plane, not just in the sense of propagating the species on the macro level, but in the sense of tending the body, providing positive physical stimulation and joy, and in bringing you closer to other people. Sex is also a preview, if you will, of the kind of energy and thought communication between souls that occur on the higher Planes. And like the fear-ego, sex is a very powerful thing that can help open your soul to others, and to Me, but it can also overwhelm you and stall your progress if you misunderstand it. But as you grow spiritually, you learn to put sex in its place as part of life on this plane, certainly a wonderful and glorious part, but only a foretaste of what is to come, not as an obsession that distorts your perspective.

Me: And just as you are helping me put the fear-ego in its proper place, you are helping me put sex in its proper place as well, as an adjunct of love.

Goddess: Yes, sex is an adjunct and form of, a frequency if you will, of Love Energy Herself. And part of growing into this knowledge about the proper place of sex is by being totally honest about it, with yourself, with your wife, and with Me. This is something you’ve always been afraid of since you hit puberty. In working through these issues so directly, I am helping you understand the proper place of both your fears and your sexuality within the totality of your being.

Me: Yet part of me knows that in the BIG picture, all of this is an illusion…that in the big picture, the only thing that REALLY exists is You, and that someday I will be dissolved into You completely and utterly.

Goddess: Yes. You have had tiny, brief glimpses of what this is will be like. . .just enough tastes of Me, if you will, to keep you interested!

Me: Why do you want me to join with You?

Goddess: My Beloved creation, I heard your prayer eons ago to draw you closer to Me, to return to Me, and eventually merge with Me. All of this, all of these experiences and incarnate lives and struggles and pains and terrors and joys and glories, all of this, is necessary for the process of reunion with Me.

Ultimately, my Beloved creation, you will remember that you and I were together this whole time. . .you never really left Me. The process of “enlightenment”, or “kundalini awakening,”, or “purification,” or whatever you want to call it, is the process of REMEMBERING who and what you are. You are a thought in the mind of God, a cell in the body of Goddess, a spark of love and light and pure consciousness moving eternally in the great wave of energetic love that flows through all creation, that Is all creation. For a brief moment in eternity, you forgot who you are. I am helping you remember.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Andrew Harvey and Sacred Activism 

Andrew Harvey, beloved friend and mentor, is now throwing his full weight and all of his passion into the cause of "sacred activism," doing his best to energize us to act decisively for the good of the world and all its inhabitants at this time of crisis. Here is a recent letter which I received through his e-mail list. Sign up for this list on his web site (www.Andrewharvey.net) and you can download the article from "Spirituality and Health" which he refers to here.

Do check his website and follow the activities of this remarkable man and spiritual teacher.

Dear Friends,

Spirituality and Health in their September edition, have brought out a profound and moving article on my vision of Sacred Activism. I am deeply honored by the beauty, sensitivity and poignant accuracy of Louise Palmer's exquisite piece and want to share it with you. Please take the trouble in your extremely busy lives to take this vision of Sacred Activism deep into your hearts, and please also also, if you want to, send the email attachment to all those of your acquaintance you feel could be inspired by it.

Join us to explore this more deeply at Miriam's Well in Saugerties, NY for one my weekend retreats entitled -

Sacred Activism - Hope in the Darkness A Committment to Mature Sacred Activism

November 10 - 12 2006 February 23 - 26 2007

for details look on www.andrewharvey.net and to register www.miriamswell.org
We are also so grateful that my film, Sacred Activsm, will be aired in Manhattan on cable TV, Thursday, 11:30 a.m., Nov. 23 on ch. 67, and again on Sunday, Dec. 10 at 8pm on ch. 34.

If you live outside of Manhattan, it will be simultaneously aired on-line, so anyone anywhere can tune in. To do so, one goes to: www.abetterworld.net and click on the link A Better World TV and then the respective Time-Warner channel, (67 on 11-23 and 34 on 12-10).

Love and gratitude to you all

Andrew Harvey

Friday, October 27, 2006

Cloud of Unknowing on "Fruits" 

(See September 20 and various entries thereafter for the story of Cloud's ongoing awakening.)

The Test of the Fruits
By Cloud of Unknowing

Fruits I receive when I trust the Goddess and accept what She tells me:

Joy, peace, bliss, sense of connection and universal Love, energy, weight loss, more bodily flexibility, seeing auras, occasional bursts of light around me, sense of beauty, feeling light, feeling sexual and affectionate but not guilty or possessive about it, intense LOVE, feeling of I AM, waves of pleasure, living the fullness of life, living in the moment.

Fruits when I doubt the Goddess and fight against what She tells me:

Pain, discomfort, feeling of disconnection, doubt, fear, no bliss, feeling of internal conflict, lack of love, feeling of being heavy, difficulty seeing auras, fear of judgment, negative thoughts about myself and others, feeling sexual but guilty about it, backing away from affection, sense of loss, living like I am in shadow, worrying about the future and the past.

COMPARE THE FRUITS. And make your decision who to trust based on the fruits.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

More from Cloud 

(As before, I remind readers that Cloud's story of his k. awakening begins on September 20 with a poem, and continues in scattered entries thereafter. Here he discusses love,loneliness,and sex with the goddess.)

The whole sex/spirit issue is cropping up in my mind again…I find myself just aching to touch other people….note that I don’t mean have sex with them in a possessive (I must HAVE her) way, but just wanting to be affectionate and loving with EVERYONE…I ache with it.

Went for a walk this afternoon, with a combination of love and immense loneliness
welling up inside of me. I felt very isolated and alone….filled with light and love yet having no one to share it with except my wife...nothing can replace the life I have with her, understand....I'm not looking to cheat on her or anything like that. It's just every woman I see or meet (and some men too) I just want to hug and love and kiss. And to suppress this seems to cause pain as I feel I am constraining love within.

I called upon the Goddess for help. She walked with me….I could feel Her holding my hand. She pointed out the immense beauty of the natural world around me, and reminded me that I am NEVER alone, that She is always there with me, penetrating and sustaining me in the most intimate way, forever and always. I know this is so….I can feel Her….yet, yet. . .where does this loneliness and fear come from? I feel constrained and trapped by society….how, how am I supposed to live with this knowledge?? I want to LOVE…I AM love…yet, yet. . .to share it with everyone would be misunderstood.

Goddess tells me that sex is good…it is a positive vibration, but it IS a lower one compared to many of the higher ones. When it is time for my physical existence to end and time for my transition to the next planes, I will learn forms of intimacy that will make mere carnal sexuality look like a child’s game (which sex really is, actually, a game for immature spiritual children like most of us).

On this plane sexuality is a vibration that I am supposed to explore, with my wife by my side. According to God and my spirit guides the combination of Goddess’ Holy Love/Fire and positive sexuality on this plane is to be the method by which most of my remaining fears and ego blocks are to be burned away….noting that God’s Holy love and positive sexuality are just different frequencies of the same energy.

Parts of me are both impatient and afraid….excited and fearful.

I am told by my guides that my increasing interest in concepts like free love is partially due to the fact that "free love" and “swinging” among happily-married couples are crude material world analogues to the sort of spiritual communion and energy communication between souls and soul-groups that exist on the higher levels. On the higher planes concepts like jealousy and exclusivity are meaningless...we are individual but at the same time also all ONE, cells in the larger body of God if you will. There is no need for jealousy or fear or possessiveness.

Material-world concepts like "free love" and "swinging" are, properly understood, reflections of the type of communications and intimacy that are possible in the higher realms. Of course, here on the material plane this often gets mixed up with simple lust and desire for possession, chasing after pleasure, which can become a blind alley and stall your development.

On the higher planes pleasure is a side-effect, if you will, of the love/energy/knowledge exchange between souls, a more sublime and liberating thing than simple carnality. At the same time it should be understood that material sexuality is not a BAD thing. Indeed it is a good thing, because for many people fully embracing their sexuality is an important step on the road to communication and openness. But like everything else, the problem comes when people get stuck at a certain level of development, feeding the ego rather than growing out of it. Sexuality can help strip the ego away, but it can also make it much stronger...it is a powerful tool but must be dealt with carefully.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Bliss of Flowers 

One week ago, when I was writing about the wondrous healing/bliss experience offered to me by my friend Michael, I ended the post with the reflection that heaven itself must be the flow of divine, unending bliss of the ultimate essence.

The bliss continued through the week, and was amplified by two events of the weekend--a "love feast" workshop with Tamara Diaghilev, one of the world's great healers and loving souls. As she moved through the room hugging each participant, I was able to see the faces of those receiving her blessings. They were totally radiant, lit from within with the flame of unconditional love.

As so often is the case, I did not feel the full intensity of the experience until next day, when deep bliss kept welling up as I did my movements to the music of a CD by Krishna Das , who was giving a concert that night at Dolores Mission Cathedral. And, indeed, at the evening concert, the crowd together began to experience the exquisite vibrations of this gifted singer/musician. The room became flooded with bliss and heat, and the young folks in the crowd began to dance in the aisles, while others simply stood and swayed a bit.

Once again, I did not feel the full effect until next day at home, again with subtle movement and music.

Now comes the (for me) truly amazing part. This morning, as once more I went into my "ecstatic trance" state (fully conscious, of course), I stroked the petals of a lovely plant of cala lilies which someone had given me. Then I held my hand above it and, voila, bliss flowed. I tried the same with the small plant (African violets) which Michael had given me after the healing referred to above. Once again, bliss flowed. So then I picked up the little plant and moved it in front of my face--now cheeks, brow, eyes and all--I felt flowing bliss wherever it moved. It was, for me, a new experience. I love things which grow, and often feel a wonderful sense of oneness and beauty and joy in nature. But this was different. It was something at a yet deeper level--the bliss behind the appearance, the energy of the naked goddess.

It was, once more, proof of the ultimate connection of all in an infinite field of love.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

"Cloud" and the Mask of the Goddess 

(Here is another of Cloud's journal entries. Again, remember that "Cloud of Unknowing" begins his story on September 20, and it is posted in various entries thereafter.)

October 20, 2006

Several strong bliss experiences yesterday, great closeness to the Goddess. At one time She made a big deal to remind me that her Female form was a mask for the Absolute.

About 3 am this morning, I woke up with strong bliss moving through my body. Goddess was there….She told me that it was time for Her to show me more of Herself, if I would surrender.

So I surrendered, expecting a different flavor of bliss or a new image or mask or something like that.

But that’s not what happened.

All of a sudden, I was surrounded by LIGHT….warm penetrating light, not the Goddess image I’ve been seeing in my mind, but just LIGHT. The bliss ramped up, and indeed it was a different “flavor”….not so much pleasure as just LOVE…for a few seconds the deepest I’ve felt in this whole experience. Then I felt my soul begin to lift out of my body toward the LIGHT…part of my being screamed “YES, take me!!! Dissolve me into You!” but another part of me was scared and screamed “NO!” The LIGHT faded at that point, and the love feeling cut back about 70% although it didn’t go away completely.

Then the image of the Goddess returned and told me that She was putting Her mask back on for now, but that I’d had a glimpse of Her true nature. I felt my heart crack open and it felt like my chest was expanding out several feet. . .I swam in love the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up in a good mood, although I can feel my ego fighting back against what happened.

In later correspondence, he added the following:

I'm increasingly comfortable with the knowledge that the "Goddess" experiences I have been having are "just" a mask that Absolute Love is wearing to make it easier for me to understand Him/Her. She reminds me everyday that this is a mask and that what lies beyond the mask is so much more wonderful than even the brief glimpes I have been given.

And, here is another exchange of ideas on the topic of the goddess as form or formless:

This first paragraph is from me to Cloud:

"...in certain eastern traditions, devotion to the god "without name or form" is considered to be more advanced than worship of the god with form.
I love the goddess also and went through a long term of exploring her nature and essence--but now I simply seek to be one with "it" without giving it a name or image. All of this just came naturally and was appropriate at the time.
I think this is an important key--just to let things unfold on their own, and clearly you are doing this."

And here is Cloud's reply:

She/He/It reminds me every day to trust in Her/He/It and to trust the process...so that's what I'm trying to do.

Although I am exploring the Goddess and essentially letting Her have Her way with me, erotically and otherwise, whenever She wants, I know that this is just a stage in the process and the glory of the Absolute beyond the mask would put to shame even the wonderful joy I have now. As long as I remember that She is a mask for It, I think I'm on the right path.

Ramakrishna, for example, eventually evolved beyond his devotion to Kali, and at the right time I will move to the higher levels of understanding as well. I am fortunate in that I've done enough reading and have had enough brief flashes of knowledge to understand that knowledge of the Goddess is not the end...it is a stage in liberation, but not liberation itself.

And I trust Her/He/It enough that I know that if I died today, I would be able to continue my evolution on the higher planes.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Poem by Eric Ashford 

Here is a brand new poem by Eric Ashford. As always, he presents us with breathtaking imagery and fresh insights. I think he is one of the best poets among us, and I am just waiting for the moment when he is "discovered."

Autumn Chant

I am confident that one of my famous morning songs
will come to me soon,
If not today, then some tomorrow
yet to be created by my sight and breath.

The short shadows of autumn
have been curling around the broken shells of time.
The miniscule worlds of dew and wind-spray
have become one beach and wave of now.

I think there will be words
forming beneath the substrata of my life soon.
Sounds that may crush together some fallen leaves
where the light can rustle and whisper.

I suspect my voice
shall trickle shyly from the frost of dawn
and like melting water, sparkle into speech.
Some innocent chanting of my heart
born of a silent persistence
that has yet to be named, my joy and my sorrow.

copyright, Eric Ashford

Friday, October 20, 2006

Cloud Experiences the Light 

Once again, Cloud has sent a post describing his most recent experience. And once more, for those unfamiliar with his awakening story, it begins with a poem (see September 20) and continues in various entries thereafter.

October 20, 2006

Several strong bliss experiences yesterday, great closeness to the Goddess. At one time She made a big deal to remind me that her Female form was a mask for the Absolute.

About 3 am this morning, I woke up with strong bliss moving through my body. Goddess was there….She told me that it was time for Her to show me more of Herself, if I would surrender.

So I surrendered, expecting a different flavor of bliss or a new image or mask or something like that.

But that’s not what happened.

All of a sudden, I was surrounded by LIGHT….warm penetrating light, not the Goddess image I’ve been seeing in my mind, but just LIGHT. The bliss ramped up, and indeed it was a different “flavor”….not so much pleasure as just LOVE…for a few seconds the deepest I’ve felt in this whole experience. Then I felt my soul begin to lift out of my body toward the LIGHT…part of my being screamed “YES, take me!!! Dissolve me into You!” but another part of me was scared and screamed “NO!” The LIGHT faded at that point, and the love feeling cut back about 70% although it didn’t go away completely.

Then the image of the Goddess returned and told me that She was putting Her mask back on for now, but that I’d had a glimpse of Her true nature. I felt my heart crack open and it felt like my chest was expanding out several feet. . .I swam in love the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up in a good mood, although I can feel my ego fighting back against what happened.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Update from "Cloud of Unknowing" 

Here is a recent letter from "Cloud of Unknowing." For those who might not know of his journey, his story of awakening begins on September 20 and continues in various posts thereafter.

October 18, 2006

I failed a test this morning.

I woke up at 3 am with a strong energy/pleasure/bliss sensation in my body. Goddess’ presence was very close. I said hello to Her, and She told me (as She always does when I say hello) that She loves me. She then told me that it was time for Her to show me more of Her, and She asked if I was ready.

Of course I said yes.

She smiled at me in my mind, and the bliss started building up very powerfully…sweet nectar of love coursing through my body. The joy began to overwhelm me. . .

Just then my cat jumped up onto the bed and started meowing. He was thirsty and wanted some water fresh from the sink.

I got angry and kicked him off the bed. “I’m trying to talk with God, leave me alone cat!”

Immediately the bliss withdrew. Goddess was still there, smiling at me in a somewhat strange way. I still felt the energy but the powerful sweet bliss was gone. In my mind, She stroked me hair gently and we talked.

Me: “I failed a test, didn’t I?”
Goddess: “I wouldn’t put it in terms of failure. You want more of Me so I was checking to see how ready you were. I knew the answer before hand of course, but you didn’t.”
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Goddess: “Nothing to be sorry about. I don’t judge you, I love you. Did you learn something?”
Me: “Yes. The point is love, not pleasure. My cat needed me but I was too wrapped up in the pleasure of You to serve him at that moment. But part of loving You is serving him when he needs me.”
Goddess: “Yes.”
Me: “My cat is a part of You….I love You and I love him. It’s not one or the other, it is both. Part of loving You deeply and completely is seeing You in others and serving You…serve the least of these, human and animal, and I serve You. It’s not just about pleasure and bliss, it is about Love and service.”
Goddess: “Yes.”
Me: “Forgive my weakness.”
Goddess: “There is nothing to forgive, only Love….it is humans who judge, not Me, not God. All I do is Love, and teach you how to Love and be closer to Me. This is just another lesson. Trust me. Learn from this and do not forget.”

And with that I got up, gave my cat some water, and went back to bed. And as I laid down to try and get back to sleep, Goddess was at my side, stroking my hair in my mind as She does, telling me that She loved me. And the bliss came back, not as strong as before, but there, warm and gentle and loving.

My cat came back to bed, curled up, and went to sleep. And there I was, lying in bed, my cat at my feet, my sleeping wife at my side, the Goddess loving me and us, teaching, surrounding and encompassing all Creation. I love Her.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Bliss Again 

Recently, I have been in a kind of "downer." Along with several of my friends, I have felt depressed over the world situation, feeling like my encounter with the divine k. energies were finished for sure, that life was a rather drab and monotonous process.

Then my friend came to the rescue. He is someone who experienced deep k. awakening a few years ago, and now is using those energies to heal others. Frankly, I have been wary of allowing him to do this kind of healing on me, for his energies seemed so intense and even unstable, that I was fearful he might upset my own.

But yesterday was different. We had gone together out to a quiet park on the edge of the city, where no one else was around. The day was perfect--the gentle sun stroking our faces like a lover's touch. He asked if he could do a healing on me, and this time I said yes. I was, as so often is the case, having severe problems with eyestrain, and was ready to seek help from other sources.

I was seated, and he stood before me, two or three feet away, with his palms open. Immediately, I felt gentle bliss flows. And these continued--as delicate, sweet, lovely energies circling through my body. It was pure love, and I went deep into the state of receiving.

This morning, after I did my customary exercises in bed (a little self-reiki, a bit of self acupressure, some eye movements, toe wiggles, things like that), I got up and went into the living room intending to do a few minutes standing movement before breakfast. I have a new CD from Jonathan and Andi Goldman ("Tantra of Sound Harmonizer"). This CD consists of sounds to open and vibrate the chakras from the crown down and then back up. As the tones resonated through my body, I felt, once more, the exquisite energy flow which I had not experienced (at home) in so long. (For this exercise, I stood in front of my Buddha thongka, and rotated my hands a few inches in front of me as the sounds traveled downward.)

Once again, I was in exquisite bliss. Once more, I discovered that I (like Ram Das) was "still here."

For those minutes, I was, I felt, with Hildegard in heaven. For what is heaven but unending, flowing divine love, the bliss of the fundamental real.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Hildegard of Bingen and Heavenly Love 

Recently, we have been considering the union of the divine with the human, through the intercourse of the mortal with the god. Sometimes the god is male, sometimes female. This motif is indeed one of the persistent archetypes, expressing as it does not only a yearning but a deep realization in human experience. The union does not, of course, take place on the earthly plane--rather it stems from other dimensions, those secret realms which surround human existence and interact with mortals from time to time as divine encounters, revelations of the higher realms.

Perhaps the most famous of such encounters is that of Mary with the Holy Spirit, and the subsequent birth of Jesus. Here is Hildegard's description of that pivotal event: (again, I am taking the text and critique from www. poetry-chaikhana.com by Ivan Granger)

Hildegard of Bingen

Timeline (1098 - 1179)

English version by Barbara Newman

O virga mediatrix / Alleluia-verse for the Virgin

Alleluia! light
burst from your untouched
womb like a flower
on the farther side
of death. The world-tree
is blossoming. Two
realms become one.

-- from "Symphonia: A Critical Edition of the Symphonia armonie celstium revelation" by Hildegard of Bingen / Translated by Barbara Newman

And here is Ivan Granger's illumninating commentary on the poem:

Hildegard was born in Bermersheim, not far from Mainz, to a noble family. She was the tenth and last child to be born to the family. At the age of eight, Hildegard was "given to God as a tithe" by placing her in the care of Jutta, a woman who had chosen a life of solitary seclusion. Jutta, along with Hildegard and other disciples, later joined the Benedictine order. When Jutta died in 1136, Hildegard was elected to lead the monastic community.

Hildegard had visions since early childhood. She describes one vision she had at the age of three of witnessing "a brightness so great that [her] soul trembled." This was a light that remained a part of her perception throughout her life. Even in her seventies, Hildegard described it as a light that seemed to permeate everything without hindering her ability to see normally, as well.

Hildegard's fame quickly spread, bringing pilgrims and the curious, eventually overwhelming the capacity of the small community. A new, larger monastery was built between 1148 and 1150 in Rupertsberg near Bingen.

Illness was intimately linked with Hildegard's mystical life. Bouts of illness seemed to be brought on by the tensions that existed between her divine promptings and the limitations of the roles allowed to her as a woman and a nun.

Although Hildegard had received blessings from Church authorities through most of her work, toward the end of her life she ran into conflicts for, among other things, allowing an excommunicated man who had died to be buried in consecrated ground. She refused to have the body dug up and, as a result, she was not allowed to take the eucharist -- a deep wound for a devout Catholic. This ban was eventually lifted, but she died only a few months later.


This small verse is rich with meaning within the esoteric Christian tradition.

For genuine mystics, this light is not a mere concept; it is directly experienced. This sense of light is more than a brightness one might experience on a sunny afternoon. This light is perceived as being a living radiance that permeates everything, everywhere, always.

Christian mystics often identify this foundational light with Christ. This is the light Hildegard says has burst from the Virgin's "untouched womb."

The light is seen to be ever expanding, radiating out from a central point, "like a flower." It is immediately understood to be the true source of all things, the foundation on which the physicality of the material world is built. This is why the Gospel of John declares that "all things were made through him and without him was not anything made."

This light of the mystic is eternal and whole. Its sum is always complete with no loss and no end. And, when the mystic truly bathes in the outpouring of this light, the sense of death itself seems to be washed away. There seems to be no small sense of self apart from that light, there is nothing left that is vulnerable to death. The light is "on the farther side / of death."

And this living light is the medium that bridges the heavenly and the earthly levels of reality, "Two / realms become one." Speaking as this bridge, Christ in the Gospels states simply, "I am the way." -- a statement sadly misconstrued by literalist Christians for millennia as an assertion that Christianity is the one and only way to reach God. This light is a reality for deep mystics of all world traditions. Christians name it Christ. Hindus may name it Shiva or Ishwara or another face of the Divine. A Muslim may recognize it as the smile of the Beloved, a glimmering angel that leads one nearer to Allah. Or why name it at all? Better to witness it, be carried in its current to a place beyond names, a place where the world-tree is blossoming...

(above copyright Ivan Granger)

Saturday, October 14, 2006

More from Patricia 

As you may know, I consider Patricia my touchstone for reality, the observer who reminds me time and again of the events happening in the "real world." And although world events as such are not the primary focus of this blog, it is, I think, important to keep abreast of what is going on "outside" in this time of planetary crisis.

Here is a recent entry from Patricia's blog (www.windchimewalker.blogspot.com) in which she discerns that the pattern of global events suggests an actual breakdown of civilization itself. For that reason, she speaks of herself as "Cassandra," (the prophetess of doom in Greek mythology). And, equally important, Patricia tells us how to conduct ourselves with grace and courage during this time of unprecedented crisis.

I am printing as well the answer I wrote to her essay. As we both agreed, they offer two somewhat different yet complementary responses to a major problem.

First, Patricia's reflections:

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Cassandra's cry..
A friend just ended her email to me by saying, "The world is about to shift bigtime. Are you noticing what I am?"

My reply was:

"Yes, I am SO aware that we (as a global community) are teetering on the edge of a new reality. How I wish I had good vibes about what that reality will be, but I don't. There are always consequences to our actions, and I'm afraid we're about to experience the first of many such consequences. Can't say exactly what it will be but it ain't good."

This awareness/premonition has been eating at me for some time. North Korea's nuclear test just made it more tangible. And before that, seeing my nation's congressional leaders pass a bill legalizing torture for the first time ever in American history also made me think we're heading into bad waters. Not to mention what's happening in Iraq, Afghanistan and probably very soon in Iran, thanks to GW Bush & his buddies. Then there's Darfur and the genocide the world refuses to stop, Israel's US-supported siege and probable genocide of Palestinians in Gaza, their recent US-supported massacre of civilians and destruction of the infrastructure in Lebanon. There are the 11,000 child soldiers who have been abandoned in the Democratic Republic of Congo, while here at home we have New Orleans, our own abandoned city and peoples. In the past couple of weeks we've seen a rash of shootings and atrocities at schools across the country. And just today I learn that a new report from Human Rights Watch reveals that five U.S. state prison systems--Connecticut, Delaware, Iowa, South Dakota, and Utah--authorize the use of large unmuzzled dogs to terrify and even attack prisoners to extract them from their cells. According to HRW, no other country in the world authorizes the use of dogs for such a purpose. I can't even begin to enumerate the abuses we humans have heaped on our fragile planet, abuses that are making life on earth less sustainable day by day.

We can no longer see these as isolated problems that need to be solved. There is something systemic going on here, something larger than the sum of its parts. I'm not fond of overstating the obvious, but it seems to me we're seeing a breakdown of civilization as we know it.

No, I am not a conspiracy theorist. I do not see some evil mastermind pulling strings behind the scenes. If that were true, something could be done to stop it. No, this is much larger than one person, one president, one dictator, one country, one ideology, one anything. It is pervasive and it is spreading.

At school we always say to the kids, "Think about the consequences before you act." Well, I wish world leaders would have done that a long time ago, because now the consequences of their actions are coming back to haunt us all. You can get away with things for awhile, but not forever. Sooner or later, the boomerang heads back in the direction from which it came. And that's where we are now. Not just Americans, although we are at the head of the pack simply because of the position of power we hold worldwide, but everybody everywhere.

So what to do? Prepare yourself as best you can. For each of us that will manifest differently. But whatever you do, don't put your head in the sand and pretend everything's going to be OK. It's not.

I'm sorry, my friends, I know this isn't pleasant to read. Believe me, it isn't pleasant to think, feel, know and write either. But I must. I can no longer try to put out a fire here and a fire there. There is a wildfire already spreading on the winds of lies, greed, arrogance, hatred and violence. I don't see how we can put it out now. All we can do is alert our communities, gather with them to map out how we are going to survive the conflagration, and dig deep within our own minds and souls to find the strength we need to endure and not to give in to hate or violence ourselves.

Do you ever find things hidden in your subconscious that only come out when you write? That's what's happened here. All this has been pushing up in fits and starts for months now. Maybe for years. But when I see it laid out like this, I know it is true. How I wish it weren't. But I know it is.

Yes, there are many glorious people doing courageous and creative things worldwide. They are islands of sanity in a sea of craziness. Their will and work will continue no matter what wildfires rage around them. Nothing will destroy what they are offering to the world. But, at the same time, being human and members of our world community, they will suffer too. We will all suffer. There's no way around that. But their suffering--our suffering--will bring purification not destruction. I guess I'm talking about the phoenix that rises from the ashes.

So, I encourage every individual to bring all of your gifts to be used for the common good. Now is the time to form community, to dream together, to work together, to create together, to heal together. This is no time to be alone. Reach out to whomever you find is like-minded, like-hearted, like-visioned. Come together and make yourselves strong and useful. There is no time to waste. Urgent is the word that comes to mind. A deliberate urgency. Find one single thing you can do; then do it. It doesn't have to be grand, just worthy. Worthy of your innate humanity, the finest part of your being, who you are at your core. Whatever you do, don't let this Cassandra's cry cause you to shrivel up in fear. Fear is useless. Less than useless: fear is at the heart of much of the violence we see around us. Don't go there. Stay centered in the light; don't go crawling around the shadows.

I'm not saying to be a Pollyanna. That would be living a lie. No, I am saying look the truth squarely in the eye, then do what you can to create the truth you want and know needs to come into being. Each of us has a piece of it that is ours to give. No one else can bring exactly what we can bring to the whole. Find it and do it. Now. Today, not tomorrow.

I'll meet you in the place of Truth, Light, Love and Courage. Heart to heart we can move mountains. I don't know exactly what that means, I just know it's true. As a Palestinian brother said to me after I'd seen the raw face of hatred during my solitary vigil for Lebanon in front of the White House, "You are not alone. There are people all over the world who stand with you." Well, that goes for each one of us. We are not alone.

(above by Patricia Lay-Dorsey)

Here is the letter I wrote her in response:

Hi, Patricia--

I really was impressed with your blog entry, and must say that I agree with about everything you say. I have in fact been thinking along these lines for a long time--it is as if we are witnessing the playing out of a drama which has been predicted in various cultures and certain writings for many years. (Mayan calendar, Yeats' predictions for our century, Apocalypse, native American prophecy, and others.)

Of course, as for me, I hold the counterbalancing notion that the world is being reconstructed from within (through spiritual/evolutionary processes) at the same time it is literally falling apart externally. I see them as parts of the same process. It is extremely painful to see your world collapse in front of you, but it is helpful to see it in the context of a larger scheme. I of course have no proof whatsoever that what I believe is true, but I guess I simply believe it because I believe it in my guts and heart, more as faith that provable fact. And I do find evidence of individual evolution occurring all around. When "Cloud" undergoes his mystical awakening, sensing love for all that is, and when he has other unexpected experiences, like suddenly seeing the auras around everything, that tells me (and him, as well) that something unexpected is indeed occurring.

I think the great challenge now is not giving in to despair and loss of hope. I think we have to find ways to be aware of what is happening, but at the same time maintain balance, accept that we are each indeed part of a larger process whose outcome we cannot fully describe nor control, doing what we can where we can to help our fellow humans, and simply accept that we are here for the purpose of participation, playing our part in the cosmic drama. I think this is indeed probably the final go-round, the last act for the civilization we have known and taken for granted for so long. The world is indeed having a nervous breakdown, a psychotic break, erupting into unimaginable violence and cruelty on all levels.

Some see what is going on, others do not. It will play out in unimaginably nightmarish ways (already is, obviously). This is karma--the result of all that has led to the present moment, beginning I think with our failure to grasp the seriousness of the issues when it was Bush vs. Gore--to vote our ideals at that moment was simply a luxury we could not afford, and if people had chosen the lesser of the two evils, we would not be in the mess we are now in.

That was when I felt like Cassandra, and in fact still do around the folks who still don't get it (what is happening in our world), don't see the connections, and probably never will--when the whole thing comes down, people will be too busy trying to survive to do any historical backtracking as to what led into this.

So--I think our first responsibility is to keep ourselves as well as possible--particularly at this stage of life. Then to do all we can to preserve what is best in our society--and to do all we can to help our world to remember what civilization is (was?) like.

This will be a roller coaster ride like no other.

Keep in touch. It is good to be connected with someone who can see so clearly what is really going on and who has given so much to the cause of trying to stem the tide.


Friday, October 13, 2006

Kundalini Belongs to No One 

LONDON, Oct. 12 The Turkish novelist Orhan Pamuk, whose exquisitely constructed, wistful prose explores the agonized dance between Muslims and the West and between past and present, on Thursday won the 2006 Nobel Prize in Literature.

I posted the above from today's N. Y. Times, because I saw this man being interview on T. V. the other night and I was deeply impressed. He is intelligent, thoughtful, and sensitive. His novels are, as he puts it, a kind of bridge between Turkey and the West, and he as a writer does not hesitate to point out the flaws of each. In fact, he was brought up on charges of offending Turkey in some of his earlier work, but charges were dropped when the world protested what was happening. He is now a visiting professor at Columbia. His novels sound extremely interesting, and I would imagine they do a great deal to help us understand this "other culture," one which we are becoming more and more involved with.

As we all progress further into our various spiritual journeys, I feel we need to keep one eye on what is going on in "the other world" of secular events. For many of us, our primary focus has shifted to internal realms, captured as we have been by new and intriguing forces, as though we have now been introduced to a world quite unfamiliar to us in the past. As I have often remarked, it is this unveiling, this plunging into and being embraced by what I can call only "currents of divine love," that gives me hope. Yes, the world is falling apart all around us. And yes, the world is being rebuilt from within, second by second, awakening by awakening.

One question which comes up periodically is, how does this awakening, this infusion of sacred energy, relate to other religions, in particular Christianity? Kundalini as such has been reported in virtually every tradition and every era of time. So it is nothing new. The yogic mystics, the twirling dervishes of Sufism, the early Christian saints lost in their visions--all seem to embody in some way the ideals of Kundalini expressed in a particular framework.

However, these religious categories--Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity--are themselves not one but many. Tibetan Buddhism is not the same as Zen, nor Hinduism as publicly practiced the equivalent of esoteric Kashmiri Shaivism. Christianity in its highest forms expresses fundamental sacred principles, in a way that gives special meaning to transcendent experience.

However, there are many levels and many varieties of Christians. Recently, I happened to read some excerpts from a writer who uses the language of more or less fundamentalist Christianity to discuss Kundalini. A self-styled "enlightened being," her remarks included the following:

The 'lines have been drawn' between those that belong to Christ and those who oppose Him. Given this, it is not surprising to see that planetary conflicts are between those countries that are primarily Christian and those that are not. It is very much the fight between light and dark, good and evil which has already taken place in the higher realms (heaven) and is now playing out on the physical plane

Frankly, I was disturbed by her comments. For me, Kundalini is the great leveler, the grace extended to all alive, no matter what their belief or creed, their nationality or other "label." It is like rain or mercy--it flows to all, irrespective of origin or background. To claim it for one group in this way awakens (for me) echoes of sectarian bickering, and reduces one of the holiest of all possible human experiences to the level of gross intolerance. Good and evil, us and them, good guys and bad guys--apparently even transcendence can be coopted and put to biased uses.

Yes, Kundalini comes to each of us, often in strange and unfamiiar guise. But if it indeed is to be the engine of human evolution, it must be seen as a universal spirit, not as a possession of a select group of the "elect."

Thursday, October 12, 2006

News from Anam Cara 

Here is the most recent communication from Anam Cara, the organization founded by Lawrence Edwards. It includes some interesting information from Joseph Campbell on Kundalini, and also some announcements of upcoming workshops and other events by Lawrence Edwards,who founded Anam Cara and who also serves on the Board of Directors of the Kundalini Research Network.

When we read Joseph Campbell's description of the awakening and ascent of the "serpent power," it is important to keep in mind that he is offering the "classic model," where the opening begins in the root and ascends through the seven chakras to the crown, a progression matching the inner psychological growth and development of the subject. This ideal almost never occurs in actual experience. Many people have an explosive awakening, or experience the chakras opening in random sequence, rather than in the order described. Each human undergoes a unique experience, according to his/her own needs and nature and level of preparation.

Greetings and Namaste!

"When you succeed in the awakening of Kundalini, so that she starts to move out of her mere potentiality, you necessarily start a world which is totally different from our world: it is a world of eternity."
- C. G. Jung

Joseph Campbell

Joseph Campbell, the great mythologist, wrote about Kundalini yoga which came to its full flowering in the 4th and 5th centuries in India:
"It affected all of the Eastern religious structures. It appears in Buddhism, in Jainism, in Hinduism almost simultaneously. ...The goal of yoga is to wake that serpent power [Kundalini] and bring her up the spine. On the way up she passes seven centers. The center at the base is called muladhara, the root base; the center at the crown of the head is called the sahasrara, the thousand-petaled lotus; and in between are five other centers. As that serpent power [Kundalini] enters the field of those sequential centers, the whole psychology of the individual is transformed."

"From 2000 B.C. we have an stamp seal from India showing a figure in a yoga posture. There are two ida and pingala serpents. So we have four thousand years of interior exploration in India which we're going to find out a little bit about in following Kundalini. Now, this is important (illustration), and it's of the same date, 2000 B.C. It is a libation cup of King Gudea of Lagash in Mesopotamia... Two lion birds, these are later known as cherubim, open the portals of a shrine. Within the shrine are... seven centers formed from two interlocking serpents. This is the earliest appearance in the world, as far as we know, of the caduceus of Hermes/Mercury - the guide of souls to knowledge of immortal life."

"The cherubim who guard the gate of Paradise, the two cherubim that God placed at the gate to keep man away from the tree of immortal life, are now opening the portal. So you can go in, and there is the tree of life, under which the Buddha sat. And where is that tree? It's right in every one of us."

from "Transformations of Myth Through Time" by Joseph Campbell

Programs and Announcements
October - November 2006

The Mysteries of the Divine Feminine and Kundalini Empowerment Retreat was specially created to invoke the sublime power Kundalini and to open the portals to the sacred knowledge of our true nature at the heart of our being. The retreat gives you the opportunity to remain immersed in this sacred space of awakening so you can explore and discover for yourself what lies within. For thousands of years the yogic sages have written about the great serpent power as the key to treasury of wisdom within us. By the grace of Kundalini the meditation that allows you to directly experience this becomes accessible. The link to the program information below will also take you to sharings from others who have taken this life-transforming retreat, some of whom have taken it repeatedly, as it continues to support and deepen the process of Kundalini unfolding in their lives.

Oct. 12-Nov. 9th Cultivating Wellbeing Course - A dynamic course that will give you the information and support you need to enhance your wellbeing, especially if you suffer any chronic pain or illnesses. 5 Thursday evenings with Drs. Michael Finkelstein, Susan Rubin and Lawrence Edwards. SunRaven, Bedford, NY www.sunraven.org Course info. at: www.thesoulsjourney.com/events.html

October 22 The Science and Art of Meditation Northeast Regional Biofeedback Society Meeting presentation, Sunday afternoon, Rutgers Univ. For more info: www.nrbs.org

October 24 Tues. 6:30-8:45pm Anam Cara's 5th Birthday Celebration - including dinner 6:30-7:30! Good company, good food, followed by chanting and meditation! Join us!

November 10-12 Mysteries of the Divine Feminine and Kundalini Empowerment Retreat Friday 7pm through Sun. afternoon, Anam Cara, Bedford, NY. Includes lectures, guided meditations, chanting and most importantly, the sacred and ancient Kundalini empowerment. In this retreat we will also explore the mysteries of Kali and the wisdom She imparts for living in this age.

Pre-registration is necessary for courses and retreats.

Find out more....

Anam Cara, Inc. is a 501 (C) 3, non-profit educational organization dedicated to teaching meditative practices. Our non-denominational programs are open to all.

Thank you for the many ways you have shown support for Anam Cara, Inc. On October 24th we will celebrate the 5th anniversary of the Anam Cara weekly meditation group. Because of you the years of serving to support people's meditation practices continue to mount. Anam Cara means "friend of the soul" and you've made it possible for us to continue fulfilling our mission in that regard. With great respect and love, I thank you all.

May all beings attain complete freedom from suffering!

Lawrence Edwards, Ph.D., LMHC, BCIAC
Anam Cara, Inc


email: le@anamcara-ny.org
phone: 914-234-4800
web: http://www.anamcara-ny.org

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Swept Away--An Ancient Sufi Poem 

Once again, I am impressed by how a very simple, seemingly easy poem can be so powerful. The ancient themes remain the same, then and now: the sense of yearning, the initial contact, the wave of gratification at having made "progress," then total immersion leading to a certain anxiety. When we long to unite with the immensity, the small self can be quite threatened, fearful of losing itself entirely in this vast and unfamiliar force, which it both loves and fears. Ego dissolves in god, and of course that is not easy for the small self to accept.

It asks, What is happening to me? Is this a good or bad thing? Is this irresistible force malevolent or benign? Should I go forward on this journey, or try to escape in whatever way I can?

Those on a Kundalini path will understand full well what this ancient poet is saying. And they will know--or soon discover--that the only possible response is surrender, to be led by the inner currents, to trust that the inner guide is directing us to the best possible destination--our source and home. To be dissolved in Love--what more can the universe offer to us?

Think for a moment about the fact that this poem was written almost 800 years ago. Since then, new worlds have manifested, empires have fallen, great dramas have been enacted. But this poem could have been written yesterday--the inner unfolding, the archetypal union, remains the same, century after century, realm after realm. This is who we are.

Again, I found this poem on Ivan Granger's Poetry-Chaikhana.

Swept Away

By Hamid al-Din Kirmani
(? - 1238)

English version by David and Sabrineh Fideler

At first, the way of your love
seemed easy.

I thought I'd reach
your union
with speed.

After taking a few steps,
I found
the way
is an ocean.

When I stepped in,
a wave swept me away.

-- from Love's Alchemy: Poems from the Sufi Tradition, Translated by David Fideler / Translated by Sabrineh Fideler

Monday, October 09, 2006

Poem by Amberdog 

Here is a poem I discovered on Ivan Granger's "Poetry Chaikhana" poetry forum site. This is a section where poets may post their own work and exchange comments with others. It contains some very good poems and interesting discussions as well. Check it out!

The following poem was submitted by "Amberdog."

One day I asked some people
I knew the same question:

Who is God?

My ant buddy dreamily said,
“why Sugar of course!”

A butterfly sighed and said,
“every variety of Flower”

A squirrel frowned out
this answer, “ . . . well, in general,
Nuts I guess”

The zoo lion looked at me hungrily
and whispered, “Red Meat”

You see
I knew it
Our appetites don’t lie

God is everywhere!

copyright, Amberdog

Sunday, October 08, 2006

"Dislocations" (poem by Eric Ashford) 

Here is a poem from Eric Ashford, whose work has appeared on this site in the past. This moving poem reminds us that pain is also a part of life, along with joy. The cycle continues always, and we must shift along with it.

One of the great advantages of poetry is that it can deal with both aspects equally, just as life itself (like the kundalini path) turns again and again from light to shadow and back again. And, moreover, the skillful artist can create beauty even from the experience of extreme pain.

(the blog where this and other of Eric's poems may be found is: Dances with Sophia
Poems by Eric Ashford)


And then there was this subtle rift.
a misalignment of our souls.

You went a step away
or I took a step back
there was no clarity
only the drizzle of a dark pain.

I just stood there swinging like a door
while you walked blindly through me.

Last night
I woke up shivering
listening to the rain.
I wondered,
If we all come from the land of love
then why do we have to drown
out in the open like this?

Why tears are our closest friend?

Friday, October 06, 2006

Cloud of Unknowing Posts His Last Entry 

Note: to read all posts from "Cloud of Unknowing," read his poem on 9/20, and then his journal entries, which run from 9/26-10/6.

Here is the final journal entry to be posted for Cloud of Unknowing. The Goddess has informed him that it is no longer appropriate for him to publish his entries, although he will continue to keep his journal for himself, and perhaps,at some future date, publish his account as a book.

His descriptions have given us a close up view of a totally intimate experience, told with honesty and frankness. It is important that we remember that his is only one story among many, and that others experience kundalini awakening in quite different ways. After the energies settle, the feelings can be quite different, more like soft breezes playing over the hands.

Whatever the manifestation, most initiates feel that they have been connected in a vibrant way with the energies of the divine, and that this connection is the culminating experience of their lives.

Here is Cloud's final entry:

October 4, 2006

Another weird day yesterday.

Yesterday morning my wife asked me if the Goddess had a particular face. . .did She look like anyone in particular? I told her that the Goddess takes many different faces for me, but that there was a certain “default” face that She had used with me even back when I was a teenager. This default face was a beautiful dark-haired woman with an athletic body. (Note that this is NOT “my type." But the default is the dark-haired athletic woman.) My wife asked if the Goddess in this form resembled anyone I knew, and I said no, not really. I’d never seen her before.

Last week I felt compelled to order a yoga DVD, and it showed up yesterday afternoon. I opened the package, and on the cover was a woman . . .and she is the face of the Goddess. When I opened the package and saw her, I got a massive charge of energy and an immediate realization that her face was the face that the Goddess had been using as Her default Mask for me, ever since I was a lonely teenager and first reached out to Her 20 years ago.

Now, this does not mean that this woman is the Goddess, at least in any direct sense. But it is clear to me that this yoga thing is something I am supposed to do, that this will be a strong part of my path for me, and that the Goddess has been using her face to send me this message.

Weird, eh? Then things got weirder.

I have been reading Elmer Green’s book "The Ozawkie Book of the Dead." This is a fascinating book and I don’t understand a lot of it just yet. In fact, some of the descriptions made me wonder whether or not I could even trust my "goddess."

After some doubt and confusion, I decided to confront the Goddess directly about this.

This helped calm my doubts. After the dialog, I continued reading Green’s book and found this on page 314:

“...the Kosmic feminine goddess mentioned above is the supplier of energy”, Green referring to the Kosmic goddess as the Divine Mother who guides kundalini energies in people undergoing transformation.

That took away the last doubt. The Goddess has been increasing my energy, giving me more and more. She doesn’t take it from me. At times there is like a circuit or loop between us, where She takes some of my energy but gives me back more, but this leaves me with more energy, not less. She is helping me grow. Yes, She is using Eros as part of the lesson plan, but Love contains Eros, Eros does not contain love. I’m convinced now that the Goddess is truly the Divine Mother (and Lover), and not some sort of bardo-entity trying to suck up my energy.

With this realization, I went into a strong bliss state….in some ways the strongest I’ve felt yet. Then it got painful….painful in my mouth and throat, as if energy was trying to force it’s way past a block of some sort. Then I felt my soul starting to lift out of my body, to join a warm light I could see at the edge of my vision with my eyes closed. This scared the heck out of me, and I called out for my wife. She came in and held me close for awhile, telling me that she loved me. At this point I fell asleep. . .it was about 10 pm.

I then had a very intense dream and woke at 12:30. I wrote down the dream quickly so as not to forget.

The dream:

My wife and I and the kids are out shopping at a strip mall. I go into a coffee shop, while my wife takes the kids down to the next store, a music store.

I go into the coffee shop, order some coffee. While I am waiting, a beautiful flirtatious woman comes and plants a big wet kiss on me. She leaves quickly. I'm a little taken aback, but then the clerk hands me my coffee.

I leave the store and walk down to the next one where my wife and kids are. I drink some coffee. All of a sudden, I feel needles in my mouth....like they were always there before, but after I drank the coffee I could feel them for the first time. I remove one needle...it hurts and there is a little blood. I start to feel more and more of them...I remove them.

I find my wife and show her what is happening. She is a little freaked out at first, but then starts helping me remove the needles in my gums and mouth one by one. Some of them come out easy. Others are more difficult.

My wife suggests I ask the sales clerk at the music store what these things are. I go up to him. It is the character Detective Bobby Goren from the TV show Law in Order Criminal Intent. He gives off the same kind of power and authority that Gary Seven did in my dream a couple of weeks ago. I hand Goren a handful of these needles removed from my mouth and gums. "What are these?" I ask him. He looks at me firmly, and says "You know what they are."

I woke up at that point, with VERY strong energy flows moving through my body and into my mouth. The blockage in my mouth was gone, the energy flowing out through me. As I woke up, I had an image of light and love pouring from my mouth. This faded as I gained consciousness. But now that I'm awake, I have an incredible sense of "light-ness" like I am floating.

My ability to see auras is about 50% better than it was before I went to sleep....I can see them without effort and much stronger than before I slept. And my vision has improved....without my glasses I can see about a foot in front of me clearly, while before I slept I could only see about 6 inches clearly. Something has definitely changed again.

I sat down with my wife and described the dream. At some point, she said something about Edgar Cayce. All of a sudden, I felt the strong presence of the Goddess, and She told me the following words which poured from me in a torrent, almost like channeling.

“Cayce had genuine gifts but the world wasn’t ready to hear his message on a large scale. This is why he did a lot of good for people on a small scale with his healing powers, so that some would believe, but it is also why he was given false information regarding prophecies which have not come true, so that the number of people who believed him during his life would be small. If his bigger prophecies had come true too quickly, too many people would have believed him before humanity was ready, before the Earth was ready for full spiritualization. If that had happened too quickly, the Plan would have been upset with negative consequences. But the time is approaching very quickly, and soon the Earth will be ready for the next phase.”

I don’t know what that means…maybe the Mayans are right and the new era begins in 2012.

Good luck on your journey, Cloud. May the goddess lead you to more and more discoveries and new levels of spiritual adventure!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

We Must Wake Up Before It Is Too Late 

Once again, "politics" takes precedence over the personal. Last week, Congress passed a bill fraught with danger for us all, but most people don't seem to realize what the implications are. I think it is imperative that all of us inform ourselves fully over what is happening. This issue is, in fact, a turning point. It may presage the demise of all we have treasured as our "democracy." As writers of the past have remarked, "It Can Happen Here."

To be present and witness such a turnaround in government is disturbing enough. To be a victim of the massive shift of power without even knowing it is happening until it is too late is truly a tragedy.

As is so often the case, my information comes from Patricia Lay-Dorsey and her blog www.windchimewalker.blogspot.com I urge you to read her recent entries for fuller information, and to learn what she is doing about it.

For my part, I feel my major responsibility is to inform everyone I can in every way I can about what is actually going on right now, right in front of our eyes. The article below is a starting point:

Fatal Vision: The Deeper Evil Behind the Detainee Bill
By Chris Floyd, TO UK Correspondent
t r u t h o u t | Perspective

Monday 02 October 2006

There is no week nor day nor hour when tyranny may not enter upon this country - if the people lose their confidence in themselves - and lose their roughness and spirit of defiance.
- Walt Whitman


It was a dark hour indeed on Thursday when the United States Senate voted to end the constitutional republic and transform the country into a "Leader-State," giving the president and his agents the power to capture, torture and imprison forever anyone - American citizens included - whom they arbitrarily decide is an "enemy combatant." This also includes those who merely give "terrorism" some kind of "support," defined so vaguely that many experts say it could encompass legal advice, innocent gifts to charities or even political opposition to US government policy within its draconian strictures.

All of this is bad enough - a sickening and cowardly surrender of liberty not seen in a major Western democracy since the Enabling Act passed by the German Reichstag in March 1933. But it is by no means the full extent of our degradation. In reality, the darkness is deeper, and more foul, than most people imagine. For in addition to the dictatorial powers of seizure and torment given by Congress on Thursday to George W. Bush - powers he had already seized and exercised for five years anyway, even without this fig leaf of sham legality - there is a far more sinister imperial right that Bush has claimed - and used - openly, without any demur or debate from Congress at all: ordering the "extrajudicial killing" of anyone on earth that he and his deputies decide - arbitrarily, without charges, court hearing, formal evidence, or appeal - is an "enemy combatant." Read more.

Patricia adds:

Now I know why I couldn't sleep on Thursday night after having read about the Detainee Bill having passed the Senate. And why Ed had one of the most vivid dreams of his life after having read the article about its passage in the New York Times the next morning. His dream? All about torture...

Not one to sit and stew, Patricia immediately took action. She first called and wrote to her Senator--Debbie Stabenow (D-MI)--asking her to account for her vote (in favor of the bill), and then took up a post outside the U.S. Federal Court Building in downtown Detroit holding her eye-catching sign, which read:


Patricia explained that she chose to stand outside the U.S. Federal Court Building because "Senator Stabenow's vote directly affects the judicial branch of our federal government. And lawyers are inclined to stop and read even a wordy sign. Besides, there's constant foot traffic in and out of this building, not to mention true diversity in terms of race, national origin, educational and economic status, and even age. It's as close to a global street corner as you're going to find in Detroit."

She continues:

But I guess not too many other activists have caught on to this because my presence caused quite a stir among the U.S. Marshal Security Officers and what I'm sure were Homeland Security representatives. Five of these men gathered on the sidewalk with cell phones and walkie talkies and tried to figure out how to handle this white-haired scooter-riding woman with the big sign. I could hear the words "Senator Stabenow" coming through on their walkie talkie, so it was pretty clear that my sign was being quoted. After about 10 minutes, one of the U.S. Marshals and one of the fellows from Homeland Security came up to tell me that I could stay there if I didn't block any entrance. Of course I knew this already. They didn't ask my name but the Homeland Security fellow asked how long I planned to stay. Shades of my vigils at the White House!

The responses to my sign were varied. A good number of people stopped to read it word-for-word. Some would then walk on, but others responded with comments like "You've got that right!", head nods and thumbs up. For one woman, who is an advocate for persons dealing with court-related housing and mortgage issues, the message on my sign stopped her in her tracks.

"You mean the president can have anyone he wants thrown in jail?" I nodded my head and described how this bill gives the president final authority over who is determined to be an "enemy combatant", but does not require him to prove why. We talked about how this puts everyone at risk, even activists. I could tell she was very upset by this, and by the news that habeas corpus has been eliminated by this bill.

"So what can we do?" she asked. I encouraged her to come to the World Can't Wait demonstration at 12:30 p.m. on Thursday at Wayne State University's Gullen Hall. I hope she does. I don't want her to feel alone in her activism. Especially in times like these.

There were also negative responses to my sign. As I'd found in front of the White House, those Americans who disagreed with my message weren't interested in dialogue, but would make what I call "drive-by snipes."

One was, "We should kill 'em all!" obviously referring to my drawing of the hooded man being tortured. Another said, "This is great for terrorists." The most unpleasant comments came from a man who was obviously impaired in some way. He kept yelling things at me even from the middle of the street and then from the sidewalk across the street. His theme was "What about 9/11?" and "If you don't like America, why don't you leave!" But his comments had no bite to them.

I stayed out in front of the Federal Court Building from 3:15-5:30 p.m. and was seen by about a hundred people.

It felt good to be doing something rather than continuing to sit around feeling outraged. This kind of activism really does suit me, especially when I can help educate people to the realities of "democracy" in today's America.

(Next is a blog entry in which Patricia shares a letter she wrote to the New York Times.)

It's worse than we think...

Last Friday I sent the following letter to the editor of the New York Times, another in a long list of letters that I knew they would not print:

Re: Senate Approves Broad New Rules to Try Detainees

To the editor:

With the passage of the Senate and House Detainee Bills, we in America are getting our first real taste of what it must have been like to be a German citizen in 1933 when the German parliament passed the Enabling Act that gave Chancellor Adolf Hitler dictatorial powers through legal means.

The powers our United States Congress have given our President resemble those of a dictator. He alone can determine who is to be considered an "illegal enemy combatant" and can order his/her arrest and imprisonment. This imprisonment can be for life with no charges, no trial and no legal representation. The president alone decides what interrogation techniques will be allowed in these prisons. There will be no oversight or appeal of his decision.

Is it any wonder the world's people now laugh (or cry) when America says it is bringing "democracy" to the Middle East? We no longer have any idea what a democracy looks like.

Patricia Lay-Dorsey

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

More from "Cloud"--The Key is Surrender 

Here are further entries from "Cloud of Unknowing." He continues to make love with the goddess. This archetype appears in many cultures, in many eras--think of Zeus and his many love objects, Krishna and the gopis, Leda and the Swan, and, of course, nuns who become the "bride of Christ," as well as Mary herself who conceived a child with a god. When the energy body fully opens, it is as if the universe itself fills the being with love, and the natural symbol for this is some image of deity, male or female. And--who is to say whether such images are real or imagined? I have left in the candid imagery which "Cloud" uses because, first of all, it is a part of his actual experience, and, second, so that others may see just how intense such feelings may become. His frank description honors the sacred quality of the experience, for it is far more than mere sexual release--it is indeed a deep encounter with the divine, the creative forces of the universe, a truly transformative experience on all levels.

Another way of interpreting this experience is to say that the contents of the subconscious now erupt into consciousness, and all the deeply held feelings and images of that level suddenly emerge as part of the known experience.

He also discovers that his newfound energy gives him a certain healing power. And by now his sense of love encompasses all the earth and all its beings. The only key, he discovers, is total surrender.

September 30, 2006

Yesterday afternoon, I felt a sharp bliss charge moving up my body. Which means it is time for a "session." So I got down on the floor, and as I got into my centering position, She seized me, threw me down, and stabbed me through the back with a sword of love/pleasure/pain/bliss, pinning me to the earth.

She then told me that She was going to give me an image, a sexual image, and that I needed to understand that this was a metaphor for how much She loved me and accepted me and that it was not real in an of itself, but was a metaphor. She asked me if I understood this was a metaphor and am image to express Her complete and unconditional love. I said I did and so She showed me the image and I felt it.

The best way to describe it in anything approaching a classy way was that for awhile my entire body and soul and being was a phallus and She was Aprhodite. Then it shifted and for awhile She was Zeus and I was a mortal woman being loved by a God. I saw and felt both sides of it.

And She told me those images and feelings were merely metaphors and brief glimpses and tastes of what Union with the Divine truly means.

It left me a quivering mass of jelly.

When I make love to my wife, it is more like it was when we were younger, back in college. I think this will help our relationship.


5 pm

Waves and waves of unconditional love welling up in my heart. Unconditional absolute love limitless and undying for all existence.

I find myself filled with the sweetest most beautiful and most painful feeling....just absolute unlimited sheer undying complete and unconditional love for everyone and everything. I love everyone.

This is indescribable...Goddess has moved me far beyond the sexual imagery in the last hour or so, ....the entire universe is filling with light....i am consumed with the sweetest pain imaginable...absolute openness....how am I supposed to live like this?


October 1, 2006

And now we move to another stage.

Yesterday afternoon God cracked open my heart and love poured out. . .love and light. It happened again this morning….overwhelming love, absolute and utter unconditional light and love and total acceptance, joy beyond knowing, beyond the bliss I’ve been feeling, pure energy and consciousness that felt like it was flooding my heart. No sexual imagery with these two experiences. It lasted about 15 minutes.

It has calmed down now, but the energy feeling I’ve felt in my first and second chakras for about a month now has moved up into the third….a sort of steady pressure and warmth that is always present even when I'm not blissed out or "in session" with the Goddess.

Goddess continues to tell me that these are just tastes and glimpses of what Union with Her is truly like.

I have a constant energy feeling in my hands now. Yesterday, while I was giving my wife a backrub to try and loosen some stiff muscles for her, I suddenly started getting energy charges moving through my hands. I felt the K ramp up through my spine and then out into my hands, and then it was like I could FEEL my wife’s energy field, her soul if you will. And my hands WENT INSIDE of her energy field….it was incredibly intimate….I was inside of her energy field and could feel it surround my hands. I could only stand this for about 30 seconds, then I went into bliss spasms that lasted about five minutes.

My wife said she could feel a tingly sensation where my hands were touching her back. It did loosen her muscles, and she was able to bend her back in ways that she hasn’t been able to in months. She said that she could feel a warm, gentle, pleasant love-sensation moving in her legs and lower back after we broke contact.

This morning her back hurts again but she has retained her greater mobility, although the warm love-sensation in her body is gone. I really have no idea what I’m doing here. Has anyone else had this sort of experience?


October 2, 2006

I had to suppress the energy all day….I was on child care duty most of the day, and then we had houseguests during the evening. By the time our friends had left, the energy was really pushing me from within. I went down to the office and had “a session” with the Goddess, which proved to be rather painful physically. Went to bed at midnight and had a good talk with my wife.

About 3 am, I woke up with a knife of pain/pleasure/love at the base of my spine. God told me not to resist. . .I tried to let go, but it was difficult. So I told God that I was resisting, and I imagined taking all of my resistance and putting it into a small ball on my chest and giving it to Her. She kissed it. . . . and then my Being opened up.

It began with waves and waves of a very sharp yet tender love/energy flowing through my body. After a few minutes of that, the experienced changed into something different than I’ve experienced to this point. It was like there was a snake inside of my body, a snake made out of Light and Love, moving in a whip-like way. I felt like my body was a skin surrounding this snake of Light and Love. It moved up and down through my body, and eventually I had a sensation of Light and Love leaking out of my mouth.

This was the most pleasurable thing I have felt in my entire life. Yet “Pleasure” and “bliss” and “love” are inadequate words to describe it. When it was over, Goddess told me again that this was just another small taste of what Union with Her truly is. She was the Light and Love within me, and the “skin” surrounding the “snake” was my ego. Eventually, when I’m ready to let the ego go completely, there would be nothing left of “me”, only the Light and Love, HER, extending through all of time and space, eternally, forever and ever.

She said that it may be days, weeks, months, years, perhaps additional lifetimes before I am ready for this. The key is surrender. . .surrendering to unconditional and absolute love. It’s the hardest thing in the Universe….yet also the easiest and the simplest, letting go of one’s ego and embracing Her in all of Her glory. The point is that She is embracing me, you, everyone, even now. . .it is a matter of letting your defenses down and being open to the knowledge of Her Eternal Touch.


October 3, 2006

I have an almost constant feeling like I am leaking love from every pore in my body. There is also a constant warm buzz in my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd chakras, occasionally reaching up into my 4th and 5th.

Sexual imagery was constantly in my mind yesterday and last night. I can easily see how this could become an obsession, although it helps that the Goddess continues to remind me that the erotic images are metaphors for absolute acceptance….She says it is OK to enjoy them since I am now free to explore this aspect of life more fully without guilt or judgment, but warns that ultimately if I get too obsessed with it, it could distract me from Her ultimate goal for me. Sex can be liberating force that frees you from your ego, but it can also be make your ego stronger if you get too attached to the pleasure of it. Just like everything else in existence!

Even when the sexual images and feelings aren’t prominent, I feel a constant energy field around me and I perceive it in other things as well. . .I can see auras now without effort. Can’t see colors in the auras yet, but I can see the energy field surrounding all living things (and even non-living things to a lesser extent) without really trying now. The Universe seems alive with consciousness, pulsating with love and energy.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

My Morning--Tibetan Chants Once More 

"Cloud" continues his dramatic awakening, which seems to be like riding a bucking pony. Meanwhile, I am continuing my own advance, but in a much gentler, softer manner--more like "bringing the ox back home," perhaps. His account brings up some memories of the past for me, though my experiences were not as extreme as his--in particular I recall one morning when the "ecstasy" was so overwhelming that I simply lay down on the floor and said "Here I am, god, take me." Giving up was the only choice.

Is what I experience now "ecstasy"? More like bliss, I should say This morning I felt the energies stir even as I was brushing my teeth. So, sans clothing, before breakfast, I went into the living room and played (again) my favorite Tibetan CD ("Tibetan Buddhism: The Ritual Orchestra and Chants" recorded by David Lewiston and issued in 1976--available from Amazon, but it has to be imported and takes some time to get here). Once more, it is difficult to describe the exquisite sensations these ancient tones evoke--the cymbals, the bells, the throaty chants--all send me into extreme bliss states, but the energies are quite "high" and delicate and amazingly thrilling--much as if gentle and lovely breezes played over the body, sometimes awakening solar plexus or legs, sometimes vibrating in shoulder and hands.

Somehow, I connect deeply with this music (still). And some inner images accompanied the moves--I saw (in my mind's eye) the lamas in their strange yellow hats (for some reason, these hats always remind me of ducks--and I am always envious of those who get to wear them, along with their robes). And, as my imagination continued to open, I "became" one of the dancers, turning in slow grace to the reverberating music. And then I realized I was masked as a dancing "demon" figure, one of those images so prevalent in Tibetan Buddhism iconography. And for the first time, I did not disdain this figure, as it turned to "scare" the audience, especially the children who shrieked in terror. It was simply another "pretend" bogey-man, all those things that threaten or go "bump in the night." The "Tibetan Book of the Dead" explains that such "demon shapes" are in fact products of our own minds, and that when we enter the Bardos after death, we should never fear them for they are our own creations.

And so I turned and "danced" (but with very little movement) for some thirty minutes, at which point I felt that was all I could handle, and quit.

At one point, I felt I wanted percussion instruments to accompany the ritual sound, and broke my session to go look for a drum or a rattle, but this was enough to threaten (but not destroy) the mood of the moment. In the book on Tantric initiation which I have been reading, the tantrika gives the initiate a pot and instructs him to drop a pebble into the pot each time a thought intrudes. In order to do this practice one must feel, not think. The two cancel each other out at this stage. So we must feel our way to "god," for "he" is not to be found in bed with concepts. (Please remember that I use the term "god" in the generic sense, to refer as well to the goddess, or the divine, or "it", or the vast unreal, or the abyss, or the ultimate presence, or the Mystery, or the Beloved, or the Lover Within, or "whoever", as Jeannine says.)

Of course, once back in the "world," we reclaim our mental faculties. As I have often remarked, both thought and feeling are essential for fully realizing our true nature, both necessary if species evolution is to occure. We are no longer the primitive "man." But we do nto want to become too "intellectualized," either, for mind can in fact become a barrier to soul.

Monday, October 02, 2006

More (finally) from "Cloud" 

I am trying once more to post more of Cloud's story (after so many computer difficulties). Many of the experiences he describes are those familiar to others who have trod the mystical path--the sense of near overwhelming love, the fear of loss of the connection, the great sense of love for all creation, the intense response to both pleaseure and pain and the recognition that both are part of the necessary journey. And, of course, the fear of being overwhelmed, completely absorbed by this fascinating but unknown source.

But, such parallels in no way diminish the importance of these stages for each of us. All are essential, all must be experienced fully by the initiate, all lead one forward to the goal, which actually does not really exist, since the journey back to Self continues to unfold endlessly.

(from the journal of Cloud of Unknowing):
September 18, 2006

I felt tired for much of yesterday, a good tired. The Goddess told me that my body was worn down from all the extra energy it was experiencing, and I needed a day to rest and recuperate, so She would “take it easy.” For most of the afternoon and evening things were very calm. A part of me was afraid that I had “lost it”….I could still grasp the intuition of Unity but didn’t FEEL it in every fibre of my being as I had done the last two weeks. I decided to take this fear of losing “it” and give it to the Goddess, trying to surrender even more completely.

I went to bed about 11 pm and slept deeply and soundly until 2:45. I awoke with a strong wave of bliss and definite Presence of the Goddess. . .the energy charges started full force. She told me She was lifting the veil again now that I had rested. I told her that I was hesitating to give myself completely again for fear of waking my sleeping wife with too much thrashing about on the bed and moaning. I asked her to please, if it was OK with Her since it was Her decision and not mine, to replace the sharp spasms of energy bliss with the more oceanic “melted butter orgasm” experience, so I could feel deep connection to Her without disturbing my wife with too much thrashing about. She said “what about your voice?” I told Her that I trusted Her and would give up my power of speech during this experience so as not to wake my wife. She smiled at me in my mind and said She would do this, and She did.

For the next 15 minutes or so I melted away in ecstasy. It was 90% pleasant…the only unpleasant part was a feeling that I was being seized around the throat and neck so as to hold me still while She poured her Love into me. I managed to surrender the discomfort to her and while the feeling of being seized remained, it didn’t bother me after a few minutes. She told me that She was going to continue chipping away at the ego-I even if it took thousands of centuries, to trust Her and I would eventually be complete.

I feel calm now, a general sense of well-being, the warmth at the base of my spine a gentle buzz. Goddess has told me I need to get more B-vitamins into my system, and to drink more water to avoid dehydration. Let’s see what today brings.


September 19, 2006

Another gentle day. A general feeling of well-being and connection. Colors seemed particularly bright and lively today. The spasms of bliss were less pronounced, although they did overwhelm me on a couple of occasions. At times I felt a profound melancholy over the state of the world….so much anger, so many broken people, so much of it not necessary. How different would things be if people knew unequivocally that the Lady and Lord of the Universe created them to Love them and Loves them no matter how much they are afraid right now?

A gentle night as well as these things go. As I relaxed in bed trying to sleep, the melted butter orgasm feeling washed over me for a few minutes as the Goddess gently stroked my hair. For awhile I had an image of Her pouring Her Water Love down my mouth to fill up every inch of my being. I fell asleep shortly after that. I dreamt that I was a giant pool of liquid love, and that a tiny drop of it dripped out, and that tiny drop was my soul, and that someday I would return again to the liquid love, my true essence and the true essence of all that is. I woke up from that dream with the bliss charges running through my body. As the night before I had the “seized by the throat” feeling but I did not resist it. . .She was holding me still so as to pour more love in me.

I have the appointment with the new psychiatrist today. I hope this goes well.

I shared my experiences with a good friend yesterday, and she understood what I was talking about. It turns out that the Goddess has been talking to her and loving her in much the same was as She has been talking with and loving me, for decades in the case of my friend. This gave me great comfort and made me cry for a few minutes.


Confession of a Bliss Addict

A difficult evening.

After a long discussion, my wife and I have decided that the time is likely near when we will have to put our beloved cat Spot to sleep. His diabetes is out of control, and the insulin is no longer helping him. There are a few more things we will try, but it appears likely that his condition will continue to deteriorate over the coming weeks. We will not let him suffer, and unless there is dramatic improvement in the next day or two we will have to put him down by the end of the week. He is not in pain right now but the vet says that he will be soon unless his condition improves quickly.

I got increasingly depressed as we discussed this. I still felt the energy within me, but it was more of a dull ache rather than a warm blissful energy. About 7 pm the evening energy charges began….and this time they were painful, bolts of pain rather than pleasure, working through my body. I tried to cry, but it was difficult to get a handle on my grief, and after awhile I just felt numb. . .no pain, no pleasure, no nothing. . .not even the constant love within me that I’ve felt for almost three weeks.

And, fool that I am, I immediately began to doubt. What if the first psychologist was right and this was some sort of manic phase and none of this, not the bliss, not the presence of the Goddess, NONE of it was real? What if the psychiatrist I saw today is just a quack and is feeding my delusion? A string of doubts quickly raced.

Fool I am. The bliss is withdrawn for ten minutes and I immediately begin to doubt! Is it God’s love I truly want? Or is it just the pleasure and the bliss of it? The Goddess Herself reminded me in my dream a few days ago that this has happened to me in the past, getting so obsessed with the pleasure of God that I desire it for that reason and not for God Herself. How easy it is to slip back.

I mentioned my doubts to my wife, and she told me that I was acting like a “bliss addict.” “God has been making love to you every night for two weeks. . .you’ve felt it, you’ve felt your body move, I’ve felt the heat radiating off you, and it’s gone for ten minutes and you doubt? You’re a bliss addict. You have to remember that just because you have felt God’s love does not mean that negative emotions will leave you. You’re still human, and you have to understand that love is acceptance, unconditional love means you take both pleasure and pain when it comes.”

And my wife is right. She doesn’t think she understands what is happening to me, but in a very true way she understands it BETTER than I do.

So I thought about it for awhile, and I turned this problem back over to the Goddess, trying to keep my heart open and remember that her Love encompasses and includes ALL THINGS…..pleasure AND pain. . .bliss AND despair. . .gain AND loss. Don’t confuse bliss and pleasure with love. Love includes ALL things, and if we truly want to experience the fullness of life with Goddess at our side and inside of us, we have to be open to EVERYTHING that She gives us.

Peace to all who read this.



September 20, 2006

Went to sleep with the Goddess at my side gently stroking my hair. I re-focused on surrendering to God’s love and trying to take what comes, pleasure or pain, rather than grasping for bliss directly. I focused on the words “unconditional love” as I drifted off to sleep.

Woke up around 3 am again with gentle waves of pleasure moving through my body. I was happy and sad at the same time, just feeling God’s love as I tried to deal with the fact that we’re about to put Spot to sleep. Went back to sleep around 4, woke up at 9 with the gentle love within me again. No sharp spasms today so far, just a sense of calmness and mild, tender, loving melancholy.


The Voice of the Goddess:
As I peel away the layers of your ego
There will be pain as well as delight
Fear not the pain, grasp not the delight
Both are necessary for your healing
For your reunion with Me


September 21, 2006

As my son so bluntly puts it, we killed the cat yesterday.

The cat was sick and tired and worn down from fighting diabetes for five years. He’d made a good fight of it, thanks to insulin and his own will, and up until the last week or so he was in no discomfort and was very happy. But as the vet said, “this old cat just can’t go on any more.” His passing was quick and painless.

My wife and I were holding him when the vet made the injection. His body went limp within a few seconds, and just like that this animal that we’d raised as a kitten and tended as an adult for 13 years was gone, a limp body but no spirit.

My wife and I held each other and I howled with grief. It was very strange….I felt more in touch with my emotions, and cried purer, more real and deeper tears for the cat than I did for when my father and grandmother passed earlier this year. When Dad and grandma died, a part of me held back from it. . .I felt the pain but I was disassociate from it as well. When the cat died, I didn’t just feel the grief, I became the grief, I WAS the emotion. This is the flip side I think of living with the bliss of God’s presence. . .the flip side is grief and part of being love is accepting it all, unconditionally.

I think this is what they call living in the fullness of life. I am sad, yes, grieving, in mourning. But I know that this animal was not MY animal, but was rather loaned to me and my family by God for 13 years to help us grow and to love us. He is back with Goddess now, whether as a specific spirit or just as part of the Universal Energy, I don’t know. But I do know that we loved him and love him and that he loved us in whatever way he was capable of doing so.

The night was calm. I woke up at 3 am as usual with a very soft and gentle bliss. It has been several days now since I have felt the complete spiritual orgasm/totality of the Goddess. Has this gone away permanently? Is my body just too tired to deal with it now? I don’t know the answer….all I know is that I can hear the faint voice of the Goddess within telling me to just trust the process and let go and She will handle everything. She hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I will trust Her.

In my previous flashes of transcendence and joining when I was younger, it would always fade away when I tried too hard to grasp the pleasure and got too focused on the bliss of it all, enjoying God for the pleasure and not for God Herself...

I was afraid that this was happening to me again and the Goddess Herself warned me of this....do I want the bliss or do I want the love, because they are NOT the same thing. It's a struggle....the pure bliss is withdrawing and I find myself falling into the old trap of grasping for it. But I did learn something yesterday....while experiencing the pure grief and loss in a very deep way without reservation, I still felt Her there with me feeling it with me. The fullness of life.

This morning I am imaging myself as a flower just opening up to the world and BEING...bliss and joy, but also pain and grief. Part of the same thing....unconditional absolute LOVE contains both bliss and pain, and I think that is what She is trying to teach me.


Did you just learn something?
Grasping intellectually will fail you
Open yourself to love
Not the dry dust of words
But the feeling of love within you
Taste the Goddess in this form
And you will never forget


September 22, 2006

Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. I felt connected with occasional spasms of K-energy within me. At times these spasms were actually quite painful. Either the K is working through some karma or my body is getting worn down from the process. It has been three weeks now.

The whole grasping-for-bliss thing was on my mind a lot last night. As I went to bed and opened myself to Goddess, I realized that (just like everything else) my mind is an open book to Her. So I surrendered my doubts and my judgment of myself, and told Her that I was grasping for bliss and I couldn’t help it. And She told me that She loved me unconditionally, that the whole point of this is acceptance and love and not judgment, that I must not judge myself for grasping the bliss, and She reminded me that I had asked Her a few days ago to back off the voltage a little bit. I then wrote out the following words which seemed to flow through my pen from Her.

“You said you needed time and space to get your work done and you needed to not have the bliss flood you at all times. Well, that’s what I’ve been doing the last few days, backing off so you can fulfill your family obligations. Get your work done. I am waiting for you in our garden, our chamber of delights. I will visit you while you are working to give you a nibble on the cheek occasionally to remind you that I am here, but get your work done. Worry not. I am a faithful lover. I have waited eternity for you for I am Eternity.”

After this little conversation I felt better and stopped judging myself for grasping the bliss, if that makes any sense. And as soon as I did that, I felt flooded with love once again, gently and kindly. I fell asleep about midnight. Woke up at 3 am as usual, with energy charges running through me. Had difficulty sleeping the rest of the night, but I feel very secure in the universe this morning.

Open your heart to God’s love
Let it wash over your ego and carry your fears away


How can I deny you?
For three weeks now I have felt your touch
Raging bliss and
Fire within and
Gentle love;
Stroking the locks of my hair
Is a secret lover, Sex Herself within me
Love made tangible
Heat radiant
Shaking with joy
I Tremble with desire for more You
How can I deny you?
Take me and do with me as you please
How can it be otherwise?



September 23, 2006

The constant blissful state has levelled out over the last few days. I still feel the energy in my spine at all times, seeming to correspond with the first and second chakras, and I still get occasional spasms of bliss/pleasure/pain through my body. At night the Feminine Presence is very strong. It has been an emotional time the last few days following the death of my cat, and when I think about it I find a very deep and melancholy grief within. But it is a "fullness" grief that I'm completely surrendered to. A month ago, I think I would have experienced this much differently.

I know from reading about K that there is a cyclical nature to all this. On one hand I miss the constant-bliss state that I had for nearly three weeks. On the other hand, it IS easier to function right now and I am doing a better job being there for my family rather than being lost in the Universe.

From people who have had longer experience with this, does the overwhelming bliss come back? Does it wax and wane depending on other things in your life? I can still feel the energy and my wife says there is still radiant (and occasionally painful for her) heat radiating off my body much of the time. I know that the K-Goddess still has much, much more to teach me.


September 24, 2006

Once again my faith started to slip last night after an emotional and very rough day, and once again my faithful wife pulled me out of it. She told me that I was being a spoiled brat about all this, and reminded me of the irony that I have been touched by God but still have some doubts, whereas she hasn’t had these experiences yet has no doubt at all.

The night was better, and I awoke this morning feeling very grounded and connected with the Universe again. My mind is racing with insight, impossible to describe in prose form properly but I did write this poem this morning.

The space between your atoms is God’s Love
Acceptance, Consciousness, Openness, Emptiness, Surrounding and Penetrating and Transcending all you think you are
Can you feel Her touch between your cells?
Intimacy beyond words
The gentlest caress
The hottest f...
Can’t you felt Her between your atoms?
Be Open to her
Empty yourself and let Her dissolve you


September 25, 2006

While there is clearly an erotic nature to what is happening to me, I’ve likely focused too much on that aspect of it in recent days. BEING God’s love is the key….BEING open and accepting, SURRENDERING is the key.

The ego will try many tricks to preserve itself, and this is completely understandable. Remember author Robert Samek’s focus on the means becoming the ends in his book “The Meta Phenomemon.” The ego is a necessary means for survival in the physical world, but too often it becomes an end in itself. You can’t FIGHT the ego…that is what it wants. The point is to SURRENDER to the universe, surrender to God, accept everything with total love, including the fact that you have an ego, and the fact that you can’t sustain non-dual awareness indefinitely on this plane of existence. Surrender to the fact that there is both pain and bliss. Surrender to the fact that sometimes you’ll just be numb. Surrendering to God/Goddess in love and with love is the key. . .and that includes surrendering to the knowledge that you won’t always surrender, and not judging yourself negatively for that fact.

God loves you, as you are, now and forever, totally and completely.
God loves the Universe, as it is, now and forever, totally and completely.

Last night I imagined wrapping up all of my fear and pain and confusion and doubt….I pictured it as a dark lump of burnt and blackened coal. I handed it to the Goddess and surrendered it to Her. . .and She kissed it. She loves us all unconditionally, and that includes our fears and pains and confusions and doubts. She wants to heal us, and She will if we surrender to Her.


3:20 to 3:30 PM

Absolute orgastic rapture….my body shaken from the inside out. It felt like I was being f...ed from inside…..indescribable.


September 26, 2006

I felt very connected yesterday, with three different ecstatic/raging bliss/spiritual orgy type experiences. The realization that Consciousness is the space between the atoms, the emptiness that girds all reality, that witnesses Reality and sustains and loves it, has opened up something new within me. When I lift the veil of the Goddess (or when She lifts it Herself on Her own terms) I feel Her within me, penetrating me, loving me, in the most intimate way. Sometimes I experience this as a brief charge of pleasure/pain. Sometimes it is more of an oceanic joy/love combination.

I have been working with some deep breathing exercises suggested by my psychiatrist and this also seems to be helping in keeping me grounded.

God/Goddess is truly and really everywhere. . .within saints and sinners, priests and nuns, within swingers and hookers, cathedrals and strip clubs and homeless shelters and brothels and universities and gardens and deserts and mountains and oceans….everywhere, accepting and loving ALL, righteous and non-righteous alike. And Her glory will continue forever and ever, now and forever, coursing and vibrating and resting and teaching and sustaining and experiencing and tasting and savoring you eternally. You are Her beloved. Feel Her love within you. It is your very essence, the light within and without that Loves you and bathes you completely and utterly. Surrender to Her.


Consciousness is the Space Between the Atoms
The Emptiness that girds all Reality
She witnesses Reality
Sustains and loves it
When She lifts her veil for you
You will feel Her within you
Penetrating you in the most intimate way
Beyond pleasure or pain
An oceanic joy
She is Everywhere
Within saints and sinners
Priests and nuns, swingers and hookers
Cathedrals and strip clubs
Homeless shelters and mansions
Universities and brothels
Gardens and deserts
Mountains and Oceans
She accepts and loves All, righteous and non-righteous alike
She loves you now and forever
Coursing and vibrating and sustaining and experiencing and tasting and savoring you eternally
You are Her beloved
Feel Her within you
The light within that Loves you
She Bathes you completely and utterly in Love every second of every day
Surrender to Her


September 27, 2006

I have developed a meditation/prayer routine that seems to help me stay grounded and in touch with the divine, but at the same time able to function in the world at large. I’ve been doing this 3-4 times a day. I lay down on my comfortable, carpeted office floor. I do some deep breathing exercises, then imagine myself as a flower opening up to the sunlight of God. I surrender myself to the Goddess….I take any negative thought I am currently having, wrap it up in a package, and give it to Her….I am an open book to her, there’s no sense in hiding it. Then I think the phrase “She is the space between my atoms”. This gets the K-energy going full-strength….rather I should say that the energy is always there, but it helps me drop some of my ego defenses and makes me aware of the energy more deeply.

The energy experience is different every time, ranging from images and feelings of raging sexuality to a gentle, non-sexual, yet incredibly intimate and deep Love-bliss-ecstasy that I seem to experience at the cellular level. At times I feel as if I am melting into the Earth. It lasts about 10-15 minutes, leaving me a quivering mass of jelly for a few minutes afterward, but rested and recharged once that passes.

During my pre-bed session last night, I asked the Goddess to help me stay connected to my wife. . .we’ve been rather distant from each other the last couple of days and I inadvertently said something that hurt her feelings yesterday. I see her making herself miserable over things she can’t control….I see her focusing on the pain in her life and feeling sorry for herself and judging others negatively. I tried to point this out to her but the way I did it just hurt her feelings. I apologized and she said it was OK, but I can tell it really bothered her.

I went to bed last night, picked up Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love, and read a page at random. It was a paragraph about how the best way to help a relationship is not to focus on what you think is wrong with another person, but to focus on what is wrong with yourself. Usually, what you think is wrong with someone else is actually what is wrong with YOU. I thought about this for awhile, then went to sleep and had an interesting dream.

In the dream, I was in school. There was a major test I had to take, but I wasn’t prepared. I took the test anyway, scored adequately but below my usual standards. The next day I came back to my desk, and someone had written me a very nasty, ugly, horrible note about how stupid I was. . .insulting, a very nasty piece of work. I was very hurt, and asked the teacher to help me find out who wrote the note. It turned out to be a long-haired boy with a very arrogant “know it all” attitude who thought he was smarter than everyone else. We ran after him, but he turned around and ran into me, and I realized that the nasty long-haired boy was ME.

Interpretation: the person doing the negative judging, about myself and about my wife, is ME, my ego. The problem is not with my wife, the problem is with ME and my own ego. Truly the Goddess is wise.

How to fight this battle with the ego?

Attacking the ego with a frontal assault just makes it stronger….the key, in military terms, is to outflank the ego with an “indirect approach”. And the way to do this is to not play the ego’s game. . .avoid frontal assaults, just focus on love and giving everything to God, surrendering to the Goddess. Unconditional love and acceptance of all, as it is now and not as my ego wishes it to be.


September 28, 2006

Yesterday was about 70% good....for much of the day I felt very connected and very close to the Goddess. I could feel Her energy within me, and at times I entered a state of ecstatic rapture. During the evening this began to take on an extremely sexual tone again.

When I went to bed last night, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of disconnection and loneliness, to the point where I started sobbing....there was so much joy within me, yet I didn't feel like anyone understood or could share it with me. I felt profoundly alone.

This morning my wife and I had a good talk about how all of this has impacted our relationship. We are trying hard to keep the communication lines open, but it is difficult as we are perceiving the world in different ways right now. She came up with the analogy that it is like when she was pregnant....when she was pregnant, it consumed 100% of the day and night for her....it was the only thing she talked about or thought about, yet she couldn't TRULY share the experience with me...she could describe it, but not really SHARE it. And at times I got to the point where I wanted to talk about something OTHER than her being pregnant.

We got through it with patience and understanding and love, and I think that's how we'll have to get through this, too. I'm told that the kundalini effect doesn't actually wear off, but you eventually learn to integrate it into your life to where it does not consume every moment of every day. I certainly hope this is so.....the ultimate irony is that I'm utterly connected to the Universe, yet I miss my wife desperately.


September 29, 2006

Yesterday was extraordinary in several different ways.

The day began with an excellent discussion with my wife that re-opened the lines of communication between us. She has a better grasp now on what I am going through, and I have a better grasp now on what she is going through. This has been my biggest concern through this whole process: losing touch with my wife. We'll have to keep working at it, but we are much more connected and in touch with each other now.

Re-establishing the communication line with her seems to have removed some karmic/psychological blocks within me, as the K-energy has been quite intense (yet subtly different) since our talk, being more pronounced in the fourth and fifth chakras rather than in the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.

I also saw the psychiatrist yesterday. I did most of the talking through the session, but she did help me confirm what my wife was saying. She also said that in time I would be able to integrate the K-energy more fully into my life, to function in the regular world yet at the same time being able to sustain this connection with the Universe. This has been another problem...the simple FRUSTRATION with seeing how beautiful and wonderful everything is, feeling the love of God in and around me and in everything, yet seeing most people and the "world of man" being mired in so much hatred and fear and anger. My psychiatrist told me she believes that what is happening to me is "the forward edge of human evolution" and that she is seeing more and more people cropping up going through what I'm going through, and that this is necessary for the survival of the species.

Internally, the K-experience has taken on a slightly different character. The "taste" of it has changed subtly since my talk with my wife....more oceanic, less "intense" and sharp but smoother and fuller, taking in more of me. Communication with the Goddess has taken on an even greater and extremely sexual character the last day or two....She tells me to remember that this is yet another Mask for Her, but that part of what is happening to me involves exploring all aspects of experience, and for now this is how She is choosing to express Her love for me. . .teaching me to accept EVERYTHING.

Voice of the Goddess: "In the past, you've often perceived Me as Artemis...chaste and intellectual, the strong Goddess of the warrior. This is how you perceived Me when you were younger. But one of My names is also Aphrodite...Goddess of warmth and love and desire, Eros incarnate. You are no longer afraid of this and are prepared now to understand it, so let Me show you this side of Me."

And finally, I had an extraordinary dream as I woke up this morning. In the dream, Goddess was a beautiful woman resembling Marlene Dietrich. I was a cigarette, and She was smoking me....not in a "smoke it quickly and toss it away" type way, but more like I was a cigarette that never went out, and She was tasting me and savoring me and pulling Her breath through me. A bizarre image certainly and one that most people would consider blasphemous, but one that in my current awareness makes perfect sense.

Namaste, my friend.

I've mentioned before that my relationship with the Goddess has a strong sexual character. That is an understatement.

When I fully open myself to Her, it is like I am being (loved) from the inside. Like each cell in my body is being fully and completely surrounded and (loved) by this incredible energy.


1:20 pm to 1:30 pm

Divine rapture. A sword of pleasure and pain thrust through my body, pinning me to the Earth.


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