Monday, April 10, 2006
Frustration, Reconnection
Recently, several of my friends who also are members of a small (closed) internet kundalini circle confessed that they, too, felt disheartened, discouraged, anxious and somewhat scattered--as if they had made no progress, but were somehow flung back to the beginning of their awakening process. Here is what one member wrote. Fortunately, she is able to see her situation in more than one dimension.
What a relief (to hear that others feel the way I do). Yes, after confronting (my husband) yesterday and demanding that he return the garden hose to the simple way it was when I was a child and he replied why didn't I go on some valium until I could stabilize from the terrible mood I have been in lately , and I thought, "Would it be too silly to get a divorce after 47 years?" I actually thought of writing to you all. My astrology friend had warned me of the big energy shift for the eclipse and as usual I entertained my usual skeptical attitude but the last 6 weeks have been as wild a ride as I have been on in a long time. I had three separate sets of out of town company at the same time my confusion was at such a peak that the guests started to make remarks. In the middle of all this, (my husband's) youngest brother suddenly died of we don't know what. On the other hand I began to see pictures of art projects in my mind which I haven't been able to do for some time. Two nights ago we watched a DVD on crop circles which left me with a sense that there was a large ball of energy at the back of my head, enormous energy coming from my right hand and a sense that something was on the verge of happening. Although I have not been able to sleep well I did have a very revelatory dream which I actually recalled which I cannot usually do. I kept thinking this is nothing short of revelation. When I do reiki on myself I have found something in my gut which seems like dark energy indeed. Strange smells come from my body. Instead of celery juice which I did not know about I ate a brownie with frosting and ice cream which did not help my nervous system but did quiet my anger some...I have entertained the thought these last few weeks that I really had made no progress at all on myself and that I was self-deluded and that K symptoms were probably some form of cancer. Am I on target? .
For the most part I agree with what D. describes when I admit to myself what I feel is my purpose. I did not have an unhappy childhood however, partly because I have a twin sister. My granddaughter read an essay at her graduation last week that started out "I have a very weird grandmother especially compared to other people's grandmothers." I liked that better than (my husband's) remark about the valium. . . Congratulations to all who are embarking on the great learning experience of an intimate sexual relationship. No mystery school can compare.
I have no idea why this (computer) is writing so big but it kind of gives a little more zip to how I feel. Sometimes the anxiety is almost unbearable and I feel so defeated that I have not been able to control it more. Thanks to all of you for being there. I still think I was right to complain about the gadgets on the hose. There is no reason the hose needed anything else on it than when I was a child. We had one thing right and couldn't leave it alone. Love (to all). My I feel better.
I have shared some of her emotions recently, but today was in fact a kind of breakthrough day for me. I have not been able to do any "practice" for several weeks during this horrendous and all consuming move process. I was fearful that somehow I had lost the ability to connect with the "inner beloved," and would be doomed to a very mundane existence in future.
But this morning I decided to put on a CD of Tibetan chant, in order to prepare for a movie on Tibet which I was planning to see in the afternoon. When those deep throaty growls and clanging cymbals began, I immediately dropped into ecstatic consciousness, and felt the soft, gentle, but totally transformative energies stir thoughout my system. In fact, it was in some ways an advance on the "old days" when I took such pleasure from the Tibetan ritual chants. This time I danced (in my mind) the way the Tibetan performers do, and vocalized certain tones along with the chanting monks. For a time, I was, in fact, a Tibetan monk, experiencing the full pleasure of awakened bliss.
And I was deeply relieved to discover that I had, in fact, not "lost it," but that it was still there, quietly waiting for me to provide a time when reconnection could occur.
The sun actually came out today, and that may have improved the overall context for spiritual expression.
What a relief (to hear that others feel the way I do). Yes, after confronting (my husband) yesterday and demanding that he return the garden hose to the simple way it was when I was a child and he replied why didn't I go on some valium until I could stabilize from the terrible mood I have been in lately , and I thought, "Would it be too silly to get a divorce after 47 years?" I actually thought of writing to you all. My astrology friend had warned me of the big energy shift for the eclipse and as usual I entertained my usual skeptical attitude but the last 6 weeks have been as wild a ride as I have been on in a long time. I had three separate sets of out of town company at the same time my confusion was at such a peak that the guests started to make remarks. In the middle of all this, (my husband's) youngest brother suddenly died of we don't know what. On the other hand I began to see pictures of art projects in my mind which I haven't been able to do for some time. Two nights ago we watched a DVD on crop circles which left me with a sense that there was a large ball of energy at the back of my head, enormous energy coming from my right hand and a sense that something was on the verge of happening. Although I have not been able to sleep well I did have a very revelatory dream which I actually recalled which I cannot usually do. I kept thinking this is nothing short of revelation. When I do reiki on myself I have found something in my gut which seems like dark energy indeed. Strange smells come from my body. Instead of celery juice which I did not know about I ate a brownie with frosting and ice cream which did not help my nervous system but did quiet my anger some...I have entertained the thought these last few weeks that I really had made no progress at all on myself and that I was self-deluded and that K symptoms were probably some form of cancer. Am I on target? .
For the most part I agree with what D. describes when I admit to myself what I feel is my purpose. I did not have an unhappy childhood however, partly because I have a twin sister. My granddaughter read an essay at her graduation last week that started out "I have a very weird grandmother especially compared to other people's grandmothers." I liked that better than (my husband's) remark about the valium. . . Congratulations to all who are embarking on the great learning experience of an intimate sexual relationship. No mystery school can compare.
I have no idea why this (computer) is writing so big but it kind of gives a little more zip to how I feel. Sometimes the anxiety is almost unbearable and I feel so defeated that I have not been able to control it more. Thanks to all of you for being there. I still think I was right to complain about the gadgets on the hose. There is no reason the hose needed anything else on it than when I was a child. We had one thing right and couldn't leave it alone. Love (to all). My I feel better.
I have shared some of her emotions recently, but today was in fact a kind of breakthrough day for me. I have not been able to do any "practice" for several weeks during this horrendous and all consuming move process. I was fearful that somehow I had lost the ability to connect with the "inner beloved," and would be doomed to a very mundane existence in future.
But this morning I decided to put on a CD of Tibetan chant, in order to prepare for a movie on Tibet which I was planning to see in the afternoon. When those deep throaty growls and clanging cymbals began, I immediately dropped into ecstatic consciousness, and felt the soft, gentle, but totally transformative energies stir thoughout my system. In fact, it was in some ways an advance on the "old days" when I took such pleasure from the Tibetan ritual chants. This time I danced (in my mind) the way the Tibetan performers do, and vocalized certain tones along with the chanting monks. For a time, I was, in fact, a Tibetan monk, experiencing the full pleasure of awakened bliss.
And I was deeply relieved to discover that I had, in fact, not "lost it," but that it was still there, quietly waiting for me to provide a time when reconnection could occur.
The sun actually came out today, and that may have improved the overall context for spiritual expression.
