Saturday, August 19, 2006
More wisdom from the Spandakarika
One of the things which happens during the awakening process--if it is deep and authentic--is a complete revision of virtually all one's prior assumptions and beliefs. You are now plunged into a realm whose existence you have been totally unaware of previously. You will ask yourself, How can this be? What is happening to me? I am not what I was, but--who am I now?
Some people, encountering this powerful force for the first time, go into a near panic state--fear and anxiety come to the fore as they are confronted with an unknown unlike anything in their prior experience.
Here is a another passage from the Yoga Spandakarika (tr. Daniel Odier), the book of Kashmiri Shaivite wisdom which I mentioned in the previous entry:
When this total tremoring is born (note: I call this kundalini rapture), it is as if we are introducing into our body a magic virus that is attacking all our mental constructions and relaxing them completely.
When this happens, the shock sometimes brings on intense pain, fear of the void, anxiety about something more powerful than anything we have ever known. We sense the immense power of deconstruction that the sacred tremor possesses, and this is very frightening. We sense that the system that we have forged for ourselves in order to survive is being completely upset, turned inside out, by an unknown force that is coming from the most inner part of ourselves. In these moments, a desire to retreat occurs, a wish to run away chokes us, because we feel this is irreversible. A tidal wave sweeps through our body. It is going to sweep away all our established automatisms, all our fabrications. As soon as what is fabricated starts to crumble, we truly reach the state of the sacred tremor being considered in this text. Everything that is rigid in our system is volitilized.
No everyone will react in this way. As it happens, I did not experience this kind of fear and panic. For me, it was as if something was coming forth from my own deepest being--and I told myself not to fear what was simply my own nature, a manifestation issuing from my own body. I think this attitude enabled me to bypass some of the psychological/emotional difficulties that others report. I did have challenges, but they were mostly on the physical level, having to do with personal rather than cosmic issues.
I also think that in my case, I was a confirmed lifelong skeptic, someone who had sought to build a firm mental foundation through reading and reflection on many teachers and their teachings (through their books and other forms of expression); I was opposed to all closed systems, and preferred an eclectic approach, rather than relying on a single belief system or authority.
However, as I reflect on the onset of my initial experience, I realize that I did undergo a very deep "ego death" at the beginning. The shock of losing a relationship which was at the center of my life was the trigger. Instead of clinging, or vowing to fight for the right of the ego to assert itself, I simply gave up. I surrendered all claims to continue a connection which was clearly now in jeopardy. I felt I could not block another person's life unfolding. And so I became a "nothing," a non-person, the one who did not count. In that void, the energies jumped, and my new life experience began. By surrendering what I most valued I received that which was most valuable. It was as though a script were being followed, and all of this had been planned long ago.
This "ego death" is the moment when the Big One happens. Transcendence seizes the moment, rushes in to fill the void, and we are its captives forever after.
Some people, encountering this powerful force for the first time, go into a near panic state--fear and anxiety come to the fore as they are confronted with an unknown unlike anything in their prior experience.
Here is a another passage from the Yoga Spandakarika (tr. Daniel Odier), the book of Kashmiri Shaivite wisdom which I mentioned in the previous entry:
When this total tremoring is born (note: I call this kundalini rapture), it is as if we are introducing into our body a magic virus that is attacking all our mental constructions and relaxing them completely.
When this happens, the shock sometimes brings on intense pain, fear of the void, anxiety about something more powerful than anything we have ever known. We sense the immense power of deconstruction that the sacred tremor possesses, and this is very frightening. We sense that the system that we have forged for ourselves in order to survive is being completely upset, turned inside out, by an unknown force that is coming from the most inner part of ourselves. In these moments, a desire to retreat occurs, a wish to run away chokes us, because we feel this is irreversible. A tidal wave sweeps through our body. It is going to sweep away all our established automatisms, all our fabrications. As soon as what is fabricated starts to crumble, we truly reach the state of the sacred tremor being considered in this text. Everything that is rigid in our system is volitilized.
No everyone will react in this way. As it happens, I did not experience this kind of fear and panic. For me, it was as if something was coming forth from my own deepest being--and I told myself not to fear what was simply my own nature, a manifestation issuing from my own body. I think this attitude enabled me to bypass some of the psychological/emotional difficulties that others report. I did have challenges, but they were mostly on the physical level, having to do with personal rather than cosmic issues.
I also think that in my case, I was a confirmed lifelong skeptic, someone who had sought to build a firm mental foundation through reading and reflection on many teachers and their teachings (through their books and other forms of expression); I was opposed to all closed systems, and preferred an eclectic approach, rather than relying on a single belief system or authority.
However, as I reflect on the onset of my initial experience, I realize that I did undergo a very deep "ego death" at the beginning. The shock of losing a relationship which was at the center of my life was the trigger. Instead of clinging, or vowing to fight for the right of the ego to assert itself, I simply gave up. I surrendered all claims to continue a connection which was clearly now in jeopardy. I felt I could not block another person's life unfolding. And so I became a "nothing," a non-person, the one who did not count. In that void, the energies jumped, and my new life experience began. By surrendering what I most valued I received that which was most valuable. It was as though a script were being followed, and all of this had been planned long ago.
This "ego death" is the moment when the Big One happens. Transcendence seizes the moment, rushes in to fill the void, and we are its captives forever after.
