Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Cloud of Unknowing--His Kundalini Awakening Begins
"Cloud of Unknowing," the adopted pen name of the author of the beautiful poem I posted recently, has been going through a deep mystical awakening triggered by the arousal of kundalini energies. I am going to post several of his journal entries on this site, because his experience, which is extremely intense, contains many of the elements which often characterize spontaneous kundalini awakening. It provides especially useful material for all those who ask, "What is kundalini?", for it reflects a true picture of both the joys and challenges of that experience.
In this opening journal entry, he describes the stirring of sexual feelings, the stressful events leading up to his "awakening moment," and his sense of univeral love for all that is, all of which can come into play in the early stages of kundalini awakening.
By Cloud of Unknowing
The lines cross over me, lines of love, lines of power. God has tapped me, not me, Her, filling me with love.
I am 38 years old, a male, heterosexual, happily married for 14 years, two children. I have never taken an illegal drug, have been drunk just a few times, and have led a fairly conventional, though happy and fulfilling, sex life. I have always had a strong spiritual side....I had an out-of-body "hold the Universe in the palm of your hand" experience at age 16, and had frequent mystical flashes of transcendence through my college years. I was raised as an Episcopalian but for the most part have found that I can no longer accept "traditional" Christian theology. I would describe myself theologically as a "non-denominational monotheist with pan-entheist tendencies."
I was what I call "spiritually dry" and unable to connect with the Divine for a long time in my late 20s and most of my 30s. Up until about a year ago when I started to get flashes and glimmers of the old connection.
Now, switching topics for a moment, I have also been very sexual, in my mind at least (I'm not trying to be purient here, but I have to explain this). When I was a teenager, I felt terribly guilty about this, and for much of my adult life I have felt that my spiritual sides and my carnal sides were at war with each other. I never slept around much, not even in college, and the first woman I felt totally free with sexually was my college sweetheart, who I eventually married and still love passionately and deeply. I've always been intrigued with some of the old 60s "free love" philosophy, Stranger in a Strange Land , etc., but felt that it didn't work in the real world very well and that it was something that should just be left in the realm of fantasy.
I've been through a lot in the last 10 months. Last fall my second son was born. (Then a few months later, both his grandmother and his father died, and he was present at the death of each.) In April my newborn son had to have an operation to correct a birth defect. In May I almost lost my job and probably will for sure this winter. In June we bought a house. Lots and lots of stress. I also found out a lot of information when my dad died about my family, negative information that destroyed the image of my father that I'd always had, as well as negative information about my mother.
Anyway, I felt spiritually empty and dead throughout most of this period. Until the last two weeks, when everything changed.
About two weeks ago, I started having flashes of what I call "connection" with the Universe again. . .brief flashes of bliss and insight, lasting for no more than a few seconds, but they were there. At the same time, I was also having strong flashes of horniness.....usually my spiritual flashes and my sexual flashes do NOT happen around the same time, it's always been one or the other in phases.
Last Tuesday, I had an appointment with my psychologist. I told her that I felt like there was love welling up inside of me, but that I wasn't sure how to deal with it. . .that I was so angry with my father and mother for lying to me for years, but I had this love welling up in me as well....love for everyone, even those who had hurt me. She told me not to fight it, just to feel the feelings and accept them wherever they led, and to write down my feelings for my parents in a letter. I told her I would do that. After the appointment, I went out to my car and cried.
The next day, I did something that I had never done before. I went to a strip club.
Now, like I said, I'm not really a prude at heart....but there was always some sort of fear that kept me from fully embracing my sexual side. I'd always joked around with my wife about going to a strip club...mostly just teasing. But all of a sudden I felt very compelled to go. My wife, non-jealous soul that she is, said it was fine with her...she was worried that I might feel guilty, but she wasn't jealous. She encouraged me to go if I wanted to.
So, I went to a strip club....I almost backed out, because my spiritual side was very active and I was wondering what, exactly, would happen if I ran it up against my sexual side at the same time. But in the end I decided that I HAD to go, for some reason.
It sounds completely crazy, I know....it really does. But I went to the strip club, got a few lap dances for the first time, and I came home a changed man.
I didn't feel guilty. I felt liberated.....for the first time in my life, my sexual side and my spiritual side weren't warring. They were fully integrated .I felt no fear, no guilt....just joy. Was I just horny? At first I thought so....until I came home, made love to my wife, and felt higher than I'd ever felt before....it was no ordinary experience. Sex was a part of it, but what is happening to me right now is SO FAR BEYOND sex that just writing the words is inadequate.
The last six days have been a blur....it is hard to describe in words, but I will try.
I feel like I am electrically charged, from the base of my spine, up my back and into my head. My genitals are NOT the center of this, which is why I don't think this is some sort of delayed sexual reaction to the lap dance.
There is bliss in my mind at all times. In fact, it takes a great deal of emotional effort not to be overwhelmed by it. When I relax, the bliss just FLOODS me, physical sensations of immense pleasure throughout my body...it is NOT sexual pleasure, it is something different that I've only felt in small amounts before. It is the best thing I have EVER felt in my life.
I have an almost constant sense of well-being and immense calm. My wife says I am "weirdly serene" and that there is almost a glow that surrounds me.
I will go into spasms of uncontrollable laughter at the slightest pretext.
I dance spontaneously and in ways and movements that I didn't know I had the ability to do. Considering I am 100 pounds overweight this is quite a feat.
I am highly-charged sexually but in a way I've never felt before. Quite frankly I want to have sex with every woman I meet, but not in a possessive way....more like a "you are part of me and I am part of you" way. Certain ideas which were previously confined to my active fantasy life (swinging, free love, etc.) suddenly seem completely natural and sin-free.
Every time I see my wife, I have a strong urge to bite her like I am an animal. While I want to kiss and hug and nuzzle every remotely attractive woman I see right now, I want to be completely carnal with my wife even more than usual....hypersexual she says I'm acting around her.
When I listen to music, I FEEL the music...it's almost like I become the music.
Colors and tastes are more intense.
I am having severe problems sleeping.
I have more creative energy than I have had since high school. I wrote five poems yesterday.
My inhibitions are gone. I almost walked out on the deck naked last night. I sing in public to myself. I dance and smile constantly.
I'm driving my wife nuts...not just with the constant sexuality I feel around her, but with what she says is a definite personality change. She says I am still myself, but that it is like I have been "enhanced" and that the good parts of my personality have been magnified and that the bad parts are almost completely gone. She says it is inspiring to be around me but also difficult and exhausting.
I feel completely and utterly connected with the Universe right now.
I am having psychic flashes, like thinking of a person 3 seconds before they call on the phone.
Yesterday, I went to a bookstore to try and find out what is happening to me. I was in the spirtuality section when a book LITERALLY just fell of the shelf. I picked it up...it's called "Mystical Sex" and is about how mysticism and sexuality intertwine...exactly what is happening here.
So, what is wrong with me? Is this kundalini? What is going on with me? It is getting stronger every day and it is harder and harder to stay grounded. right now I feel like my soul is going to lift out of my body.
5:01 AM, September 9, 2006
Bliss eternal
I am Love
Love surrounds me and penetrates me
How can I sleep?
I am not afraid
I love
I am Love
Love is more than I am
All is Love
All is as it should be
Love
Love
Love
I am not afraid
I can be love
I can send love
I can express love
I can be love
Love
Love
Love
Love eternal and unchanged from the dawn of time
I love you
I love everyone
Love
Gentle kind love
The gentle yoke of God
Let it wash over me forever and ever
Let me swim in the sea of love
Let my ego dissolve in love
No fear, just love
Timeless, for all and everyone
Utter forgiveness
Creation, create! Recite the joys of love!
Tender mercy of love
Tender sex of love
Tender love of sex
Sex is love but love is more than sex
Love is all that is
Can't I just love? Just be love? Just love everyone? Embrace All with Love? Be embraced by All with Love? Embrace Love with All?
Yes!
Just love
Love penetrating and releasing
Free from fear
Only love
Love is truth
Truth is love
There is no higher truth than love
Blessed grace of love
Encompassing all, matter, energy, form and thought
Joy racing! Desire love! Love desire!
Let love grasp you
Free from fear
Love everything
Everything is love
Released, free, liberated, loved and loving and love
(copyright, Cloud of Unknowing)
In this opening journal entry, he describes the stirring of sexual feelings, the stressful events leading up to his "awakening moment," and his sense of univeral love for all that is, all of which can come into play in the early stages of kundalini awakening.
By Cloud of Unknowing
The lines cross over me, lines of love, lines of power. God has tapped me, not me, Her, filling me with love.
I am 38 years old, a male, heterosexual, happily married for 14 years, two children. I have never taken an illegal drug, have been drunk just a few times, and have led a fairly conventional, though happy and fulfilling, sex life. I have always had a strong spiritual side....I had an out-of-body "hold the Universe in the palm of your hand" experience at age 16, and had frequent mystical flashes of transcendence through my college years. I was raised as an Episcopalian but for the most part have found that I can no longer accept "traditional" Christian theology. I would describe myself theologically as a "non-denominational monotheist with pan-entheist tendencies."
I was what I call "spiritually dry" and unable to connect with the Divine for a long time in my late 20s and most of my 30s. Up until about a year ago when I started to get flashes and glimmers of the old connection.
Now, switching topics for a moment, I have also been very sexual, in my mind at least (I'm not trying to be purient here, but I have to explain this). When I was a teenager, I felt terribly guilty about this, and for much of my adult life I have felt that my spiritual sides and my carnal sides were at war with each other. I never slept around much, not even in college, and the first woman I felt totally free with sexually was my college sweetheart, who I eventually married and still love passionately and deeply. I've always been intrigued with some of the old 60s "free love" philosophy, Stranger in a Strange Land , etc., but felt that it didn't work in the real world very well and that it was something that should just be left in the realm of fantasy.
I've been through a lot in the last 10 months. Last fall my second son was born. (Then a few months later, both his grandmother and his father died, and he was present at the death of each.) In April my newborn son had to have an operation to correct a birth defect. In May I almost lost my job and probably will for sure this winter. In June we bought a house. Lots and lots of stress. I also found out a lot of information when my dad died about my family, negative information that destroyed the image of my father that I'd always had, as well as negative information about my mother.
Anyway, I felt spiritually empty and dead throughout most of this period. Until the last two weeks, when everything changed.
About two weeks ago, I started having flashes of what I call "connection" with the Universe again. . .brief flashes of bliss and insight, lasting for no more than a few seconds, but they were there. At the same time, I was also having strong flashes of horniness.....usually my spiritual flashes and my sexual flashes do NOT happen around the same time, it's always been one or the other in phases.
Last Tuesday, I had an appointment with my psychologist. I told her that I felt like there was love welling up inside of me, but that I wasn't sure how to deal with it. . .that I was so angry with my father and mother for lying to me for years, but I had this love welling up in me as well....love for everyone, even those who had hurt me. She told me not to fight it, just to feel the feelings and accept them wherever they led, and to write down my feelings for my parents in a letter. I told her I would do that. After the appointment, I went out to my car and cried.
The next day, I did something that I had never done before. I went to a strip club.
Now, like I said, I'm not really a prude at heart....but there was always some sort of fear that kept me from fully embracing my sexual side. I'd always joked around with my wife about going to a strip club...mostly just teasing. But all of a sudden I felt very compelled to go. My wife, non-jealous soul that she is, said it was fine with her...she was worried that I might feel guilty, but she wasn't jealous. She encouraged me to go if I wanted to.
So, I went to a strip club....I almost backed out, because my spiritual side was very active and I was wondering what, exactly, would happen if I ran it up against my sexual side at the same time. But in the end I decided that I HAD to go, for some reason.
It sounds completely crazy, I know....it really does. But I went to the strip club, got a few lap dances for the first time, and I came home a changed man.
I didn't feel guilty. I felt liberated.....for the first time in my life, my sexual side and my spiritual side weren't warring. They were fully integrated .I felt no fear, no guilt....just joy. Was I just horny? At first I thought so....until I came home, made love to my wife, and felt higher than I'd ever felt before....it was no ordinary experience. Sex was a part of it, but what is happening to me right now is SO FAR BEYOND sex that just writing the words is inadequate.
The last six days have been a blur....it is hard to describe in words, but I will try.
I feel like I am electrically charged, from the base of my spine, up my back and into my head. My genitals are NOT the center of this, which is why I don't think this is some sort of delayed sexual reaction to the lap dance.
There is bliss in my mind at all times. In fact, it takes a great deal of emotional effort not to be overwhelmed by it. When I relax, the bliss just FLOODS me, physical sensations of immense pleasure throughout my body...it is NOT sexual pleasure, it is something different that I've only felt in small amounts before. It is the best thing I have EVER felt in my life.
I have an almost constant sense of well-being and immense calm. My wife says I am "weirdly serene" and that there is almost a glow that surrounds me.
I will go into spasms of uncontrollable laughter at the slightest pretext.
I dance spontaneously and in ways and movements that I didn't know I had the ability to do. Considering I am 100 pounds overweight this is quite a feat.
I am highly-charged sexually but in a way I've never felt before. Quite frankly I want to have sex with every woman I meet, but not in a possessive way....more like a "you are part of me and I am part of you" way. Certain ideas which were previously confined to my active fantasy life (swinging, free love, etc.) suddenly seem completely natural and sin-free.
Every time I see my wife, I have a strong urge to bite her like I am an animal. While I want to kiss and hug and nuzzle every remotely attractive woman I see right now, I want to be completely carnal with my wife even more than usual....hypersexual she says I'm acting around her.
When I listen to music, I FEEL the music...it's almost like I become the music.
Colors and tastes are more intense.
I am having severe problems sleeping.
I have more creative energy than I have had since high school. I wrote five poems yesterday.
My inhibitions are gone. I almost walked out on the deck naked last night. I sing in public to myself. I dance and smile constantly.
I'm driving my wife nuts...not just with the constant sexuality I feel around her, but with what she says is a definite personality change. She says I am still myself, but that it is like I have been "enhanced" and that the good parts of my personality have been magnified and that the bad parts are almost completely gone. She says it is inspiring to be around me but also difficult and exhausting.
I feel completely and utterly connected with the Universe right now.
I am having psychic flashes, like thinking of a person 3 seconds before they call on the phone.
Yesterday, I went to a bookstore to try and find out what is happening to me. I was in the spirtuality section when a book LITERALLY just fell of the shelf. I picked it up...it's called "Mystical Sex" and is about how mysticism and sexuality intertwine...exactly what is happening here.
So, what is wrong with me? Is this kundalini? What is going on with me? It is getting stronger every day and it is harder and harder to stay grounded. right now I feel like my soul is going to lift out of my body.
5:01 AM, September 9, 2006
Bliss eternal
I am Love
Love surrounds me and penetrates me
How can I sleep?
I am not afraid
I love
I am Love
Love is more than I am
All is Love
All is as it should be
Love
Love
Love
I am not afraid
I can be love
I can send love
I can express love
I can be love
Love
Love
Love
Love eternal and unchanged from the dawn of time
I love you
I love everyone
Love
Gentle kind love
The gentle yoke of God
Let it wash over me forever and ever
Let me swim in the sea of love
Let my ego dissolve in love
No fear, just love
Timeless, for all and everyone
Utter forgiveness
Creation, create! Recite the joys of love!
Tender mercy of love
Tender sex of love
Tender love of sex
Sex is love but love is more than sex
Love is all that is
Can't I just love? Just be love? Just love everyone? Embrace All with Love? Be embraced by All with Love? Embrace Love with All?
Yes!
Just love
Love penetrating and releasing
Free from fear
Only love
Love is truth
Truth is love
There is no higher truth than love
Blessed grace of love
Encompassing all, matter, energy, form and thought
Joy racing! Desire love! Love desire!
Let love grasp you
Free from fear
Love everything
Everything is love
Released, free, liberated, loved and loving and love
(copyright, Cloud of Unknowing)
