Wednesday, September 27, 2006
"Cloud of Unknowing" Speaks with God/Goddess
Here is a second entry from the journal of "Cloud of Unknowing," the pen name of the writer who is undergoing intense kundalini awakening. He speaks to the God/Goddess about his fears and anxieties and gets good advice in return.
Day Eight
Yesterday was difficult....I was frequently overwhelmed with blissful feelings that seemed like they would overpower me and carry me away. It was difficult to concentrate or work. But while this was happening, at the same time I felt very distant and separated from my wife....feeling connected to the Universe but not my wife (who is, after all, part of the Universe and the part I've been closest to for 18 years) was very disorienting and unpleasant.
I went to bed last night, and as I relaxed I could feel the energy welling up inside of me again. I tried to just lose myself in it. I felt the feminine presence that so overpowered me the previous night, blissful and filling me completely for a few seconds at a time before I'd draw away. I had a conversation in my head which I wrote down so as not to lose it, since it seemed very important.
Me: Talk with me, God, but be gentle with me. You almost tore me apart the night before and I'm not ready for that yet.
God/Goddess: You are more ready than you know.
Me: What if this is just an illusion? Are you my subconscious?
Goddess: No illusion, but yes subconscious,, but more than that. Your subconscious is a drop in me. I am the ocean.
Me: What if you are a demon trying to destroy me, like a succubus?
Goddess: If I were a demon, I would be teaching you anger and fear and selfish lust to increase your ego and drive you further away from God. But I am not doing that....I am loving you to help you grow beyond your ego. You are a tender plant in my garden, I tend you. Let me water you with my love.
Me: Why do I perceive you as feminine? Is this idolatry?
Goddess: I contain all, I am masculine and feminine and both and neither. I gave you this gift long ago. Most men are afraid to let go and embrace the Divine Feminine within Me/Thou, but you aren't. This is the key I am using to open your soul. That is why you perceive me as Feminine now. Trust in this and do not fear.
Me: It is very strange that an experience at a place like a strip club would be a trigger for this.
Goddess: I am everywhere, at all times and in all places, a strip club as much as a cathedral. You saw me there and did not fear, you enjoyed the moment without trying to possess it or her.
Me: What about the stripper who gave me the lap dance? Wasn't I taking advantage of her?
Goddess: She is on her own path and I love her as much as I love you. You were a good customer for her, she needed your money and you needed the experience with her to grow. She will come to me as well in her own time. Do not fear. Do not judge her.
Me: What about my wife? We are having a hard time communicating about this and I cannot be separate from her.
Goddess: Why do you think you are separate from your wife?
Me: Because she can't relate to the things I am feeling about the Universe.
Goddess: Your wife has her own path and I love her as much as I love you. You cannot change it for her. She is here to help you and you to help her. Things are as they should be. She is holding onto her pain and anger now because of her own needs, her own need for growth. Do not force it. Do not fear. Do not judge her. Just love her.
Me: She says I'm acting like I was infected by the spores in that old Star Trek episode.
Goddess: In the Star Trek episode the people infected by the spores became passive and uncreative, as if they were drugged. You are more creative now than you have ever been and your mind is clear. It is not the same thing. The people in the episode were not truly liberated.
Me: Am I Liberated?
Goddess: No. This is but a step, and important one, but merely a step. We have a long way to go, you and I.
Me: My body is tired but I cannot sleep. I enjoy taste but I have no appetite.
Goddess: You need sleep and food but not as before. You need them now to sustain your body, not to lose yourself in them as before. This is why you enjoy food more but eat less. . .you are not trying to lose yourself in food because you have learned that you can lose yourself in Me. Let me love you. Be love, feel love, surrender to it and it will make you whole.
The Milk of God's Breast is love
Let it sustain you and nourish you
It is your very essence
Come, taste bliss
*****************
And so today I find myself calmer than yesterday. I slept better last night and feel much more connected with my wife today. We had a good conversation this morning.
I can feel the energy within me at the base of my spine and extending upward into my head and arms today more strongly
Day Eight
Yesterday was difficult....I was frequently overwhelmed with blissful feelings that seemed like they would overpower me and carry me away. It was difficult to concentrate or work. But while this was happening, at the same time I felt very distant and separated from my wife....feeling connected to the Universe but not my wife (who is, after all, part of the Universe and the part I've been closest to for 18 years) was very disorienting and unpleasant.
I went to bed last night, and as I relaxed I could feel the energy welling up inside of me again. I tried to just lose myself in it. I felt the feminine presence that so overpowered me the previous night, blissful and filling me completely for a few seconds at a time before I'd draw away. I had a conversation in my head which I wrote down so as not to lose it, since it seemed very important.
Me: Talk with me, God, but be gentle with me. You almost tore me apart the night before and I'm not ready for that yet.
God/Goddess: You are more ready than you know.
Me: What if this is just an illusion? Are you my subconscious?
Goddess: No illusion, but yes subconscious,, but more than that. Your subconscious is a drop in me. I am the ocean.
Me: What if you are a demon trying to destroy me, like a succubus?
Goddess: If I were a demon, I would be teaching you anger and fear and selfish lust to increase your ego and drive you further away from God. But I am not doing that....I am loving you to help you grow beyond your ego. You are a tender plant in my garden, I tend you. Let me water you with my love.
Me: Why do I perceive you as feminine? Is this idolatry?
Goddess: I contain all, I am masculine and feminine and both and neither. I gave you this gift long ago. Most men are afraid to let go and embrace the Divine Feminine within Me/Thou, but you aren't. This is the key I am using to open your soul. That is why you perceive me as Feminine now. Trust in this and do not fear.
Me: It is very strange that an experience at a place like a strip club would be a trigger for this.
Goddess: I am everywhere, at all times and in all places, a strip club as much as a cathedral. You saw me there and did not fear, you enjoyed the moment without trying to possess it or her.
Me: What about the stripper who gave me the lap dance? Wasn't I taking advantage of her?
Goddess: She is on her own path and I love her as much as I love you. You were a good customer for her, she needed your money and you needed the experience with her to grow. She will come to me as well in her own time. Do not fear. Do not judge her.
Me: What about my wife? We are having a hard time communicating about this and I cannot be separate from her.
Goddess: Why do you think you are separate from your wife?
Me: Because she can't relate to the things I am feeling about the Universe.
Goddess: Your wife has her own path and I love her as much as I love you. You cannot change it for her. She is here to help you and you to help her. Things are as they should be. She is holding onto her pain and anger now because of her own needs, her own need for growth. Do not force it. Do not fear. Do not judge her. Just love her.
Me: She says I'm acting like I was infected by the spores in that old Star Trek episode.
Goddess: In the Star Trek episode the people infected by the spores became passive and uncreative, as if they were drugged. You are more creative now than you have ever been and your mind is clear. It is not the same thing. The people in the episode were not truly liberated.
Me: Am I Liberated?
Goddess: No. This is but a step, and important one, but merely a step. We have a long way to go, you and I.
Me: My body is tired but I cannot sleep. I enjoy taste but I have no appetite.
Goddess: You need sleep and food but not as before. You need them now to sustain your body, not to lose yourself in them as before. This is why you enjoy food more but eat less. . .you are not trying to lose yourself in food because you have learned that you can lose yourself in Me. Let me love you. Be love, feel love, surrender to it and it will make you whole.
The Milk of God's Breast is love
Let it sustain you and nourish you
It is your very essence
Come, taste bliss
*****************
And so today I find myself calmer than yesterday. I slept better last night and feel much more connected with my wife today. We had a good conversation this morning.
I can feel the energy within me at the base of my spine and extending upward into my head and arms today more strongly
