Monday, October 02, 2006
More (finally) from "Cloud"
I am trying once more to post more of Cloud's story (after so many computer difficulties). Many of the experiences he describes are those familiar to others who have trod the mystical path--the sense of near overwhelming love, the fear of loss of the connection, the great sense of love for all creation, the intense response to both pleaseure and pain and the recognition that both are part of the necessary journey. And, of course, the fear of being overwhelmed, completely absorbed by this fascinating but unknown source.
But, such parallels in no way diminish the importance of these stages for each of us. All are essential, all must be experienced fully by the initiate, all lead one forward to the goal, which actually does not really exist, since the journey back to Self continues to unfold endlessly.
(from the journal of Cloud of Unknowing):
September 18, 2006
I felt tired for much of yesterday, a good tired. The Goddess told me that my body was worn down from all the extra energy it was experiencing, and I needed a day to rest and recuperate, so She would “take it easy.” For most of the afternoon and evening things were very calm. A part of me was afraid that I had “lost it”….I could still grasp the intuition of Unity but didn’t FEEL it in every fibre of my being as I had done the last two weeks. I decided to take this fear of losing “it” and give it to the Goddess, trying to surrender even more completely.
I went to bed about 11 pm and slept deeply and soundly until 2:45. I awoke with a strong wave of bliss and definite Presence of the Goddess. . .the energy charges started full force. She told me She was lifting the veil again now that I had rested. I told her that I was hesitating to give myself completely again for fear of waking my sleeping wife with too much thrashing about on the bed and moaning. I asked her to please, if it was OK with Her since it was Her decision and not mine, to replace the sharp spasms of energy bliss with the more oceanic “melted butter orgasm” experience, so I could feel deep connection to Her without disturbing my wife with too much thrashing about. She said “what about your voice?” I told Her that I trusted Her and would give up my power of speech during this experience so as not to wake my wife. She smiled at me in my mind and said She would do this, and She did.
For the next 15 minutes or so I melted away in ecstasy. It was 90% pleasant…the only unpleasant part was a feeling that I was being seized around the throat and neck so as to hold me still while She poured her Love into me. I managed to surrender the discomfort to her and while the feeling of being seized remained, it didn’t bother me after a few minutes. She told me that She was going to continue chipping away at the ego-I even if it took thousands of centuries, to trust Her and I would eventually be complete.
I feel calm now, a general sense of well-being, the warmth at the base of my spine a gentle buzz. Goddess has told me I need to get more B-vitamins into my system, and to drink more water to avoid dehydration. Let’s see what today brings.
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September 19, 2006
Another gentle day. A general feeling of well-being and connection. Colors seemed particularly bright and lively today. The spasms of bliss were less pronounced, although they did overwhelm me on a couple of occasions. At times I felt a profound melancholy over the state of the world….so much anger, so many broken people, so much of it not necessary. How different would things be if people knew unequivocally that the Lady and Lord of the Universe created them to Love them and Loves them no matter how much they are afraid right now?
A gentle night as well as these things go. As I relaxed in bed trying to sleep, the melted butter orgasm feeling washed over me for a few minutes as the Goddess gently stroked my hair. For awhile I had an image of Her pouring Her Water Love down my mouth to fill up every inch of my being. I fell asleep shortly after that. I dreamt that I was a giant pool of liquid love, and that a tiny drop of it dripped out, and that tiny drop was my soul, and that someday I would return again to the liquid love, my true essence and the true essence of all that is. I woke up from that dream with the bliss charges running through my body. As the night before I had the “seized by the throat” feeling but I did not resist it. . .She was holding me still so as to pour more love in me.
I have the appointment with the new psychiatrist today. I hope this goes well.
I shared my experiences with a good friend yesterday, and she understood what I was talking about. It turns out that the Goddess has been talking to her and loving her in much the same was as She has been talking with and loving me, for decades in the case of my friend. This gave me great comfort and made me cry for a few minutes.
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Confession of a Bliss Addict
A difficult evening.
After a long discussion, my wife and I have decided that the time is likely near when we will have to put our beloved cat Spot to sleep. His diabetes is out of control, and the insulin is no longer helping him. There are a few more things we will try, but it appears likely that his condition will continue to deteriorate over the coming weeks. We will not let him suffer, and unless there is dramatic improvement in the next day or two we will have to put him down by the end of the week. He is not in pain right now but the vet says that he will be soon unless his condition improves quickly.
I got increasingly depressed as we discussed this. I still felt the energy within me, but it was more of a dull ache rather than a warm blissful energy. About 7 pm the evening energy charges began….and this time they were painful, bolts of pain rather than pleasure, working through my body. I tried to cry, but it was difficult to get a handle on my grief, and after awhile I just felt numb. . .no pain, no pleasure, no nothing. . .not even the constant love within me that I’ve felt for almost three weeks.
And, fool that I am, I immediately began to doubt. What if the first psychologist was right and this was some sort of manic phase and none of this, not the bliss, not the presence of the Goddess, NONE of it was real? What if the psychiatrist I saw today is just a quack and is feeding my delusion? A string of doubts quickly raced.
Fool I am. The bliss is withdrawn for ten minutes and I immediately begin to doubt! Is it God’s love I truly want? Or is it just the pleasure and the bliss of it? The Goddess Herself reminded me in my dream a few days ago that this has happened to me in the past, getting so obsessed with the pleasure of God that I desire it for that reason and not for God Herself. How easy it is to slip back.
I mentioned my doubts to my wife, and she told me that I was acting like a “bliss addict.” “God has been making love to you every night for two weeks. . .you’ve felt it, you’ve felt your body move, I’ve felt the heat radiating off you, and it’s gone for ten minutes and you doubt? You’re a bliss addict. You have to remember that just because you have felt God’s love does not mean that negative emotions will leave you. You’re still human, and you have to understand that love is acceptance, unconditional love means you take both pleasure and pain when it comes.”
And my wife is right. She doesn’t think she understands what is happening to me, but in a very true way she understands it BETTER than I do.
So I thought about it for awhile, and I turned this problem back over to the Goddess, trying to keep my heart open and remember that her Love encompasses and includes ALL THINGS…..pleasure AND pain. . .bliss AND despair. . .gain AND loss. Don’t confuse bliss and pleasure with love. Love includes ALL things, and if we truly want to experience the fullness of life with Goddess at our side and inside of us, we have to be open to EVERYTHING that She gives us.
Peace to all who read this.
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September 20, 2006
Went to sleep with the Goddess at my side gently stroking my hair. I re-focused on surrendering to God’s love and trying to take what comes, pleasure or pain, rather than grasping for bliss directly. I focused on the words “unconditional love” as I drifted off to sleep.
Woke up around 3 am again with gentle waves of pleasure moving through my body. I was happy and sad at the same time, just feeling God’s love as I tried to deal with the fact that we’re about to put Spot to sleep. Went back to sleep around 4, woke up at 9 with the gentle love within me again. No sharp spasms today so far, just a sense of calmness and mild, tender, loving melancholy.
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The Voice of the Goddess:
As I peel away the layers of your ego
There will be pain as well as delight
Fear not the pain, grasp not the delight
Both are necessary for your healing
For your reunion with Me
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September 21, 2006
As my son so bluntly puts it, we killed the cat yesterday.
The cat was sick and tired and worn down from fighting diabetes for five years. He’d made a good fight of it, thanks to insulin and his own will, and up until the last week or so he was in no discomfort and was very happy. But as the vet said, “this old cat just can’t go on any more.” His passing was quick and painless.
My wife and I were holding him when the vet made the injection. His body went limp within a few seconds, and just like that this animal that we’d raised as a kitten and tended as an adult for 13 years was gone, a limp body but no spirit.
My wife and I held each other and I howled with grief. It was very strange….I felt more in touch with my emotions, and cried purer, more real and deeper tears for the cat than I did for when my father and grandmother passed earlier this year. When Dad and grandma died, a part of me held back from it. . .I felt the pain but I was disassociate from it as well. When the cat died, I didn’t just feel the grief, I became the grief, I WAS the emotion. This is the flip side I think of living with the bliss of God’s presence. . .the flip side is grief and part of being love is accepting it all, unconditionally.
I think this is what they call living in the fullness of life. I am sad, yes, grieving, in mourning. But I know that this animal was not MY animal, but was rather loaned to me and my family by God for 13 years to help us grow and to love us. He is back with Goddess now, whether as a specific spirit or just as part of the Universal Energy, I don’t know. But I do know that we loved him and love him and that he loved us in whatever way he was capable of doing so.
The night was calm. I woke up at 3 am as usual with a very soft and gentle bliss. It has been several days now since I have felt the complete spiritual orgasm/totality of the Goddess. Has this gone away permanently? Is my body just too tired to deal with it now? I don’t know the answer….all I know is that I can hear the faint voice of the Goddess within telling me to just trust the process and let go and She will handle everything. She hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I will trust Her.
In my previous flashes of transcendence and joining when I was younger, it would always fade away when I tried too hard to grasp the pleasure and got too focused on the bliss of it all, enjoying God for the pleasure and not for God Herself...
I was afraid that this was happening to me again and the Goddess Herself warned me of this....do I want the bliss or do I want the love, because they are NOT the same thing. It's a struggle....the pure bliss is withdrawing and I find myself falling into the old trap of grasping for it. But I did learn something yesterday....while experiencing the pure grief and loss in a very deep way without reservation, I still felt Her there with me feeling it with me. The fullness of life.
This morning I am imaging myself as a flower just opening up to the world and BEING...bliss and joy, but also pain and grief. Part of the same thing....unconditional absolute LOVE contains both bliss and pain, and I think that is what She is trying to teach me.
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Did you just learn something?
Grasping intellectually will fail you
Open yourself to love
Not the dry dust of words
But the feeling of love within you
Taste the Goddess in this form
And you will never forget
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September 22, 2006
Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. I felt connected with occasional spasms of K-energy within me. At times these spasms were actually quite painful. Either the K is working through some karma or my body is getting worn down from the process. It has been three weeks now.
The whole grasping-for-bliss thing was on my mind a lot last night. As I went to bed and opened myself to Goddess, I realized that (just like everything else) my mind is an open book to Her. So I surrendered my doubts and my judgment of myself, and told Her that I was grasping for bliss and I couldn’t help it. And She told me that She loved me unconditionally, that the whole point of this is acceptance and love and not judgment, that I must not judge myself for grasping the bliss, and She reminded me that I had asked Her a few days ago to back off the voltage a little bit. I then wrote out the following words which seemed to flow through my pen from Her.
“You said you needed time and space to get your work done and you needed to not have the bliss flood you at all times. Well, that’s what I’ve been doing the last few days, backing off so you can fulfill your family obligations. Get your work done. I am waiting for you in our garden, our chamber of delights. I will visit you while you are working to give you a nibble on the cheek occasionally to remind you that I am here, but get your work done. Worry not. I am a faithful lover. I have waited eternity for you for I am Eternity.”
After this little conversation I felt better and stopped judging myself for grasping the bliss, if that makes any sense. And as soon as I did that, I felt flooded with love once again, gently and kindly. I fell asleep about midnight. Woke up at 3 am as usual, with energy charges running through me. Had difficulty sleeping the rest of the night, but I feel very secure in the universe this morning.
Open your heart to God’s love
Let it wash over your ego and carry your fears away
Surrender
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How can I deny you?
For three weeks now I have felt your touch
Raging bliss and
Fire within and
Gentle love;
Stroking the locks of my hair
Is a secret lover, Sex Herself within me
Love made tangible
Heat radiant
Shaking with joy
I Tremble with desire for more You
How can I deny you?
Take me and do with me as you please
How can it be otherwise?
***********************
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September 23, 2006
The constant blissful state has levelled out over the last few days. I still feel the energy in my spine at all times, seeming to correspond with the first and second chakras, and I still get occasional spasms of bliss/pleasure/pain through my body. At night the Feminine Presence is very strong. It has been an emotional time the last few days following the death of my cat, and when I think about it I find a very deep and melancholy grief within. But it is a "fullness" grief that I'm completely surrendered to. A month ago, I think I would have experienced this much differently.
I know from reading about K that there is a cyclical nature to all this. On one hand I miss the constant-bliss state that I had for nearly three weeks. On the other hand, it IS easier to function right now and I am doing a better job being there for my family rather than being lost in the Universe.
From people who have had longer experience with this, does the overwhelming bliss come back? Does it wax and wane depending on other things in your life? I can still feel the energy and my wife says there is still radiant (and occasionally painful for her) heat radiating off my body much of the time. I know that the K-Goddess still has much, much more to teach me.
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September 24, 2006
Once again my faith started to slip last night after an emotional and very rough day, and once again my faithful wife pulled me out of it. She told me that I was being a spoiled brat about all this, and reminded me of the irony that I have been touched by God but still have some doubts, whereas she hasn’t had these experiences yet has no doubt at all.
The night was better, and I awoke this morning feeling very grounded and connected with the Universe again. My mind is racing with insight, impossible to describe in prose form properly but I did write this poem this morning.
The space between your atoms is God’s Love
Acceptance, Consciousness, Openness, Emptiness, Surrounding and Penetrating and Transcending all you think you are
Can you feel Her touch between your cells?
Intimacy beyond words
The gentlest caress
The hottest f...
Can’t you felt Her between your atoms?
Be Open to her
Empty yourself and let Her dissolve you
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September 25, 2006
While there is clearly an erotic nature to what is happening to me, I’ve likely focused too much on that aspect of it in recent days. BEING God’s love is the key….BEING open and accepting, SURRENDERING is the key.
The ego will try many tricks to preserve itself, and this is completely understandable. Remember author Robert Samek’s focus on the means becoming the ends in his book “The Meta Phenomemon.” The ego is a necessary means for survival in the physical world, but too often it becomes an end in itself. You can’t FIGHT the ego…that is what it wants. The point is to SURRENDER to the universe, surrender to God, accept everything with total love, including the fact that you have an ego, and the fact that you can’t sustain non-dual awareness indefinitely on this plane of existence. Surrender to the fact that there is both pain and bliss. Surrender to the fact that sometimes you’ll just be numb. Surrendering to God/Goddess in love and with love is the key. . .and that includes surrendering to the knowledge that you won’t always surrender, and not judging yourself negatively for that fact.
God loves you, as you are, now and forever, totally and completely.
God loves the Universe, as it is, now and forever, totally and completely.
Last night I imagined wrapping up all of my fear and pain and confusion and doubt….I pictured it as a dark lump of burnt and blackened coal. I handed it to the Goddess and surrendered it to Her. . .and She kissed it. She loves us all unconditionally, and that includes our fears and pains and confusions and doubts. She wants to heal us, and She will if we surrender to Her.
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3:20 to 3:30 PM
Absolute orgastic rapture….my body shaken from the inside out. It felt like I was being f...ed from inside…..indescribable.
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September 26, 2006
I felt very connected yesterday, with three different ecstatic/raging bliss/spiritual orgy type experiences. The realization that Consciousness is the space between the atoms, the emptiness that girds all reality, that witnesses Reality and sustains and loves it, has opened up something new within me. When I lift the veil of the Goddess (or when She lifts it Herself on Her own terms) I feel Her within me, penetrating me, loving me, in the most intimate way. Sometimes I experience this as a brief charge of pleasure/pain. Sometimes it is more of an oceanic joy/love combination.
I have been working with some deep breathing exercises suggested by my psychiatrist and this also seems to be helping in keeping me grounded.
God/Goddess is truly and really everywhere. . .within saints and sinners, priests and nuns, within swingers and hookers, cathedrals and strip clubs and homeless shelters and brothels and universities and gardens and deserts and mountains and oceans….everywhere, accepting and loving ALL, righteous and non-righteous alike. And Her glory will continue forever and ever, now and forever, coursing and vibrating and resting and teaching and sustaining and experiencing and tasting and savoring you eternally. You are Her beloved. Feel Her love within you. It is your very essence, the light within and without that Loves you and bathes you completely and utterly. Surrender to Her.
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Consciousness is the Space Between the Atoms
The Emptiness that girds all Reality
She witnesses Reality
Sustains and loves it
When She lifts her veil for you
You will feel Her within you
Penetrating you in the most intimate way
Beyond pleasure or pain
An oceanic joy
She is Everywhere
Within saints and sinners
Priests and nuns, swingers and hookers
Cathedrals and strip clubs
Homeless shelters and mansions
Universities and brothels
Gardens and deserts
Mountains and Oceans
Everywhere
She accepts and loves All, righteous and non-righteous alike
She loves you now and forever
Coursing and vibrating and sustaining and experiencing and tasting and savoring you eternally
You are Her beloved
Feel Her within you
The light within that Loves you
She Bathes you completely and utterly in Love every second of every day
Surrender to Her
***************
September 27, 2006
I have developed a meditation/prayer routine that seems to help me stay grounded and in touch with the divine, but at the same time able to function in the world at large. I’ve been doing this 3-4 times a day. I lay down on my comfortable, carpeted office floor. I do some deep breathing exercises, then imagine myself as a flower opening up to the sunlight of God. I surrender myself to the Goddess….I take any negative thought I am currently having, wrap it up in a package, and give it to Her….I am an open book to her, there’s no sense in hiding it. Then I think the phrase “She is the space between my atoms”. This gets the K-energy going full-strength….rather I should say that the energy is always there, but it helps me drop some of my ego defenses and makes me aware of the energy more deeply.
The energy experience is different every time, ranging from images and feelings of raging sexuality to a gentle, non-sexual, yet incredibly intimate and deep Love-bliss-ecstasy that I seem to experience at the cellular level. At times I feel as if I am melting into the Earth. It lasts about 10-15 minutes, leaving me a quivering mass of jelly for a few minutes afterward, but rested and recharged once that passes.
During my pre-bed session last night, I asked the Goddess to help me stay connected to my wife. . .we’ve been rather distant from each other the last couple of days and I inadvertently said something that hurt her feelings yesterday. I see her making herself miserable over things she can’t control….I see her focusing on the pain in her life and feeling sorry for herself and judging others negatively. I tried to point this out to her but the way I did it just hurt her feelings. I apologized and she said it was OK, but I can tell it really bothered her.
I went to bed last night, picked up Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love, and read a page at random. It was a paragraph about how the best way to help a relationship is not to focus on what you think is wrong with another person, but to focus on what is wrong with yourself. Usually, what you think is wrong with someone else is actually what is wrong with YOU. I thought about this for awhile, then went to sleep and had an interesting dream.
In the dream, I was in school. There was a major test I had to take, but I wasn’t prepared. I took the test anyway, scored adequately but below my usual standards. The next day I came back to my desk, and someone had written me a very nasty, ugly, horrible note about how stupid I was. . .insulting, a very nasty piece of work. I was very hurt, and asked the teacher to help me find out who wrote the note. It turned out to be a long-haired boy with a very arrogant “know it all” attitude who thought he was smarter than everyone else. We ran after him, but he turned around and ran into me, and I realized that the nasty long-haired boy was ME.
Interpretation: the person doing the negative judging, about myself and about my wife, is ME, my ego. The problem is not with my wife, the problem is with ME and my own ego. Truly the Goddess is wise.
How to fight this battle with the ego?
Attacking the ego with a frontal assault just makes it stronger….the key, in military terms, is to outflank the ego with an “indirect approach”. And the way to do this is to not play the ego’s game. . .avoid frontal assaults, just focus on love and giving everything to God, surrendering to the Goddess. Unconditional love and acceptance of all, as it is now and not as my ego wishes it to be.
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September 28, 2006
Yesterday was about 70% good....for much of the day I felt very connected and very close to the Goddess. I could feel Her energy within me, and at times I entered a state of ecstatic rapture. During the evening this began to take on an extremely sexual tone again.
When I went to bed last night, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of disconnection and loneliness, to the point where I started sobbing....there was so much joy within me, yet I didn't feel like anyone understood or could share it with me. I felt profoundly alone.
This morning my wife and I had a good talk about how all of this has impacted our relationship. We are trying hard to keep the communication lines open, but it is difficult as we are perceiving the world in different ways right now. She came up with the analogy that it is like when she was pregnant....when she was pregnant, it consumed 100% of the day and night for her....it was the only thing she talked about or thought about, yet she couldn't TRULY share the experience with me...she could describe it, but not really SHARE it. And at times I got to the point where I wanted to talk about something OTHER than her being pregnant.
We got through it with patience and understanding and love, and I think that's how we'll have to get through this, too. I'm told that the kundalini effect doesn't actually wear off, but you eventually learn to integrate it into your life to where it does not consume every moment of every day. I certainly hope this is so.....the ultimate irony is that I'm utterly connected to the Universe, yet I miss my wife desperately.
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September 29, 2006
Yesterday was extraordinary in several different ways.
The day began with an excellent discussion with my wife that re-opened the lines of communication between us. She has a better grasp now on what I am going through, and I have a better grasp now on what she is going through. This has been my biggest concern through this whole process: losing touch with my wife. We'll have to keep working at it, but we are much more connected and in touch with each other now.
Re-establishing the communication line with her seems to have removed some karmic/psychological blocks within me, as the K-energy has been quite intense (yet subtly different) since our talk, being more pronounced in the fourth and fifth chakras rather than in the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.
I also saw the psychiatrist yesterday. I did most of the talking through the session, but she did help me confirm what my wife was saying. She also said that in time I would be able to integrate the K-energy more fully into my life, to function in the regular world yet at the same time being able to sustain this connection with the Universe. This has been another problem...the simple FRUSTRATION with seeing how beautiful and wonderful everything is, feeling the love of God in and around me and in everything, yet seeing most people and the "world of man" being mired in so much hatred and fear and anger. My psychiatrist told me she believes that what is happening to me is "the forward edge of human evolution" and that she is seeing more and more people cropping up going through what I'm going through, and that this is necessary for the survival of the species.
Internally, the K-experience has taken on a slightly different character. The "taste" of it has changed subtly since my talk with my wife....more oceanic, less "intense" and sharp but smoother and fuller, taking in more of me. Communication with the Goddess has taken on an even greater and extremely sexual character the last day or two....She tells me to remember that this is yet another Mask for Her, but that part of what is happening to me involves exploring all aspects of experience, and for now this is how She is choosing to express Her love for me. . .teaching me to accept EVERYTHING.
Voice of the Goddess: "In the past, you've often perceived Me as Artemis...chaste and intellectual, the strong Goddess of the warrior. This is how you perceived Me when you were younger. But one of My names is also Aphrodite...Goddess of warmth and love and desire, Eros incarnate. You are no longer afraid of this and are prepared now to understand it, so let Me show you this side of Me."
And finally, I had an extraordinary dream as I woke up this morning. In the dream, Goddess was a beautiful woman resembling Marlene Dietrich. I was a cigarette, and She was smoking me....not in a "smoke it quickly and toss it away" type way, but more like I was a cigarette that never went out, and She was tasting me and savoring me and pulling Her breath through me. A bizarre image certainly and one that most people would consider blasphemous, but one that in my current awareness makes perfect sense.
Namaste, my friend.
I've mentioned before that my relationship with the Goddess has a strong sexual character. That is an understatement.
When I fully open myself to Her, it is like I am being (loved) from the inside. Like each cell in my body is being fully and completely surrounded and (loved) by this incredible energy.
***************
1:20 pm to 1:30 pm
Divine rapture. A sword of pleasure and pain thrust through my body, pinning me to the Earth.
*****************
But, such parallels in no way diminish the importance of these stages for each of us. All are essential, all must be experienced fully by the initiate, all lead one forward to the goal, which actually does not really exist, since the journey back to Self continues to unfold endlessly.
(from the journal of Cloud of Unknowing):
September 18, 2006
I felt tired for much of yesterday, a good tired. The Goddess told me that my body was worn down from all the extra energy it was experiencing, and I needed a day to rest and recuperate, so She would “take it easy.” For most of the afternoon and evening things were very calm. A part of me was afraid that I had “lost it”….I could still grasp the intuition of Unity but didn’t FEEL it in every fibre of my being as I had done the last two weeks. I decided to take this fear of losing “it” and give it to the Goddess, trying to surrender even more completely.
I went to bed about 11 pm and slept deeply and soundly until 2:45. I awoke with a strong wave of bliss and definite Presence of the Goddess. . .the energy charges started full force. She told me She was lifting the veil again now that I had rested. I told her that I was hesitating to give myself completely again for fear of waking my sleeping wife with too much thrashing about on the bed and moaning. I asked her to please, if it was OK with Her since it was Her decision and not mine, to replace the sharp spasms of energy bliss with the more oceanic “melted butter orgasm” experience, so I could feel deep connection to Her without disturbing my wife with too much thrashing about. She said “what about your voice?” I told Her that I trusted Her and would give up my power of speech during this experience so as not to wake my wife. She smiled at me in my mind and said She would do this, and She did.
For the next 15 minutes or so I melted away in ecstasy. It was 90% pleasant…the only unpleasant part was a feeling that I was being seized around the throat and neck so as to hold me still while She poured her Love into me. I managed to surrender the discomfort to her and while the feeling of being seized remained, it didn’t bother me after a few minutes. She told me that She was going to continue chipping away at the ego-I even if it took thousands of centuries, to trust Her and I would eventually be complete.
I feel calm now, a general sense of well-being, the warmth at the base of my spine a gentle buzz. Goddess has told me I need to get more B-vitamins into my system, and to drink more water to avoid dehydration. Let’s see what today brings.
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September 19, 2006
Another gentle day. A general feeling of well-being and connection. Colors seemed particularly bright and lively today. The spasms of bliss were less pronounced, although they did overwhelm me on a couple of occasions. At times I felt a profound melancholy over the state of the world….so much anger, so many broken people, so much of it not necessary. How different would things be if people knew unequivocally that the Lady and Lord of the Universe created them to Love them and Loves them no matter how much they are afraid right now?
A gentle night as well as these things go. As I relaxed in bed trying to sleep, the melted butter orgasm feeling washed over me for a few minutes as the Goddess gently stroked my hair. For awhile I had an image of Her pouring Her Water Love down my mouth to fill up every inch of my being. I fell asleep shortly after that. I dreamt that I was a giant pool of liquid love, and that a tiny drop of it dripped out, and that tiny drop was my soul, and that someday I would return again to the liquid love, my true essence and the true essence of all that is. I woke up from that dream with the bliss charges running through my body. As the night before I had the “seized by the throat” feeling but I did not resist it. . .She was holding me still so as to pour more love in me.
I have the appointment with the new psychiatrist today. I hope this goes well.
I shared my experiences with a good friend yesterday, and she understood what I was talking about. It turns out that the Goddess has been talking to her and loving her in much the same was as She has been talking with and loving me, for decades in the case of my friend. This gave me great comfort and made me cry for a few minutes.
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Confession of a Bliss Addict
A difficult evening.
After a long discussion, my wife and I have decided that the time is likely near when we will have to put our beloved cat Spot to sleep. His diabetes is out of control, and the insulin is no longer helping him. There are a few more things we will try, but it appears likely that his condition will continue to deteriorate over the coming weeks. We will not let him suffer, and unless there is dramatic improvement in the next day or two we will have to put him down by the end of the week. He is not in pain right now but the vet says that he will be soon unless his condition improves quickly.
I got increasingly depressed as we discussed this. I still felt the energy within me, but it was more of a dull ache rather than a warm blissful energy. About 7 pm the evening energy charges began….and this time they were painful, bolts of pain rather than pleasure, working through my body. I tried to cry, but it was difficult to get a handle on my grief, and after awhile I just felt numb. . .no pain, no pleasure, no nothing. . .not even the constant love within me that I’ve felt for almost three weeks.
And, fool that I am, I immediately began to doubt. What if the first psychologist was right and this was some sort of manic phase and none of this, not the bliss, not the presence of the Goddess, NONE of it was real? What if the psychiatrist I saw today is just a quack and is feeding my delusion? A string of doubts quickly raced.
Fool I am. The bliss is withdrawn for ten minutes and I immediately begin to doubt! Is it God’s love I truly want? Or is it just the pleasure and the bliss of it? The Goddess Herself reminded me in my dream a few days ago that this has happened to me in the past, getting so obsessed with the pleasure of God that I desire it for that reason and not for God Herself. How easy it is to slip back.
I mentioned my doubts to my wife, and she told me that I was acting like a “bliss addict.” “God has been making love to you every night for two weeks. . .you’ve felt it, you’ve felt your body move, I’ve felt the heat radiating off you, and it’s gone for ten minutes and you doubt? You’re a bliss addict. You have to remember that just because you have felt God’s love does not mean that negative emotions will leave you. You’re still human, and you have to understand that love is acceptance, unconditional love means you take both pleasure and pain when it comes.”
And my wife is right. She doesn’t think she understands what is happening to me, but in a very true way she understands it BETTER than I do.
So I thought about it for awhile, and I turned this problem back over to the Goddess, trying to keep my heart open and remember that her Love encompasses and includes ALL THINGS…..pleasure AND pain. . .bliss AND despair. . .gain AND loss. Don’t confuse bliss and pleasure with love. Love includes ALL things, and if we truly want to experience the fullness of life with Goddess at our side and inside of us, we have to be open to EVERYTHING that She gives us.
Peace to all who read this.
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September 20, 2006
Went to sleep with the Goddess at my side gently stroking my hair. I re-focused on surrendering to God’s love and trying to take what comes, pleasure or pain, rather than grasping for bliss directly. I focused on the words “unconditional love” as I drifted off to sleep.
Woke up around 3 am again with gentle waves of pleasure moving through my body. I was happy and sad at the same time, just feeling God’s love as I tried to deal with the fact that we’re about to put Spot to sleep. Went back to sleep around 4, woke up at 9 with the gentle love within me again. No sharp spasms today so far, just a sense of calmness and mild, tender, loving melancholy.
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The Voice of the Goddess:
As I peel away the layers of your ego
There will be pain as well as delight
Fear not the pain, grasp not the delight
Both are necessary for your healing
For your reunion with Me
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September 21, 2006
As my son so bluntly puts it, we killed the cat yesterday.
The cat was sick and tired and worn down from fighting diabetes for five years. He’d made a good fight of it, thanks to insulin and his own will, and up until the last week or so he was in no discomfort and was very happy. But as the vet said, “this old cat just can’t go on any more.” His passing was quick and painless.
My wife and I were holding him when the vet made the injection. His body went limp within a few seconds, and just like that this animal that we’d raised as a kitten and tended as an adult for 13 years was gone, a limp body but no spirit.
My wife and I held each other and I howled with grief. It was very strange….I felt more in touch with my emotions, and cried purer, more real and deeper tears for the cat than I did for when my father and grandmother passed earlier this year. When Dad and grandma died, a part of me held back from it. . .I felt the pain but I was disassociate from it as well. When the cat died, I didn’t just feel the grief, I became the grief, I WAS the emotion. This is the flip side I think of living with the bliss of God’s presence. . .the flip side is grief and part of being love is accepting it all, unconditionally.
I think this is what they call living in the fullness of life. I am sad, yes, grieving, in mourning. But I know that this animal was not MY animal, but was rather loaned to me and my family by God for 13 years to help us grow and to love us. He is back with Goddess now, whether as a specific spirit or just as part of the Universal Energy, I don’t know. But I do know that we loved him and love him and that he loved us in whatever way he was capable of doing so.
The night was calm. I woke up at 3 am as usual with a very soft and gentle bliss. It has been several days now since I have felt the complete spiritual orgasm/totality of the Goddess. Has this gone away permanently? Is my body just too tired to deal with it now? I don’t know the answer….all I know is that I can hear the faint voice of the Goddess within telling me to just trust the process and let go and She will handle everything. She hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I will trust Her.
In my previous flashes of transcendence and joining when I was younger, it would always fade away when I tried too hard to grasp the pleasure and got too focused on the bliss of it all, enjoying God for the pleasure and not for God Herself...
I was afraid that this was happening to me again and the Goddess Herself warned me of this....do I want the bliss or do I want the love, because they are NOT the same thing. It's a struggle....the pure bliss is withdrawing and I find myself falling into the old trap of grasping for it. But I did learn something yesterday....while experiencing the pure grief and loss in a very deep way without reservation, I still felt Her there with me feeling it with me. The fullness of life.
This morning I am imaging myself as a flower just opening up to the world and BEING...bliss and joy, but also pain and grief. Part of the same thing....unconditional absolute LOVE contains both bliss and pain, and I think that is what She is trying to teach me.
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Did you just learn something?
Grasping intellectually will fail you
Open yourself to love
Not the dry dust of words
But the feeling of love within you
Taste the Goddess in this form
And you will never forget
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September 22, 2006
Yesterday wasn’t a bad day. I felt connected with occasional spasms of K-energy within me. At times these spasms were actually quite painful. Either the K is working through some karma or my body is getting worn down from the process. It has been three weeks now.
The whole grasping-for-bliss thing was on my mind a lot last night. As I went to bed and opened myself to Goddess, I realized that (just like everything else) my mind is an open book to Her. So I surrendered my doubts and my judgment of myself, and told Her that I was grasping for bliss and I couldn’t help it. And She told me that She loved me unconditionally, that the whole point of this is acceptance and love and not judgment, that I must not judge myself for grasping the bliss, and She reminded me that I had asked Her a few days ago to back off the voltage a little bit. I then wrote out the following words which seemed to flow through my pen from Her.
“You said you needed time and space to get your work done and you needed to not have the bliss flood you at all times. Well, that’s what I’ve been doing the last few days, backing off so you can fulfill your family obligations. Get your work done. I am waiting for you in our garden, our chamber of delights. I will visit you while you are working to give you a nibble on the cheek occasionally to remind you that I am here, but get your work done. Worry not. I am a faithful lover. I have waited eternity for you for I am Eternity.”
After this little conversation I felt better and stopped judging myself for grasping the bliss, if that makes any sense. And as soon as I did that, I felt flooded with love once again, gently and kindly. I fell asleep about midnight. Woke up at 3 am as usual, with energy charges running through me. Had difficulty sleeping the rest of the night, but I feel very secure in the universe this morning.
Open your heart to God’s love
Let it wash over your ego and carry your fears away
Surrender
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How can I deny you?
For three weeks now I have felt your touch
Raging bliss and
Fire within and
Gentle love;
Stroking the locks of my hair
Is a secret lover, Sex Herself within me
Love made tangible
Heat radiant
Shaking with joy
I Tremble with desire for more You
How can I deny you?
Take me and do with me as you please
How can it be otherwise?
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September 23, 2006
The constant blissful state has levelled out over the last few days. I still feel the energy in my spine at all times, seeming to correspond with the first and second chakras, and I still get occasional spasms of bliss/pleasure/pain through my body. At night the Feminine Presence is very strong. It has been an emotional time the last few days following the death of my cat, and when I think about it I find a very deep and melancholy grief within. But it is a "fullness" grief that I'm completely surrendered to. A month ago, I think I would have experienced this much differently.
I know from reading about K that there is a cyclical nature to all this. On one hand I miss the constant-bliss state that I had for nearly three weeks. On the other hand, it IS easier to function right now and I am doing a better job being there for my family rather than being lost in the Universe.
From people who have had longer experience with this, does the overwhelming bliss come back? Does it wax and wane depending on other things in your life? I can still feel the energy and my wife says there is still radiant (and occasionally painful for her) heat radiating off my body much of the time. I know that the K-Goddess still has much, much more to teach me.
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September 24, 2006
Once again my faith started to slip last night after an emotional and very rough day, and once again my faithful wife pulled me out of it. She told me that I was being a spoiled brat about all this, and reminded me of the irony that I have been touched by God but still have some doubts, whereas she hasn’t had these experiences yet has no doubt at all.
The night was better, and I awoke this morning feeling very grounded and connected with the Universe again. My mind is racing with insight, impossible to describe in prose form properly but I did write this poem this morning.
The space between your atoms is God’s Love
Acceptance, Consciousness, Openness, Emptiness, Surrounding and Penetrating and Transcending all you think you are
Can you feel Her touch between your cells?
Intimacy beyond words
The gentlest caress
The hottest f...
Can’t you felt Her between your atoms?
Be Open to her
Empty yourself and let Her dissolve you
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September 25, 2006
While there is clearly an erotic nature to what is happening to me, I’ve likely focused too much on that aspect of it in recent days. BEING God’s love is the key….BEING open and accepting, SURRENDERING is the key.
The ego will try many tricks to preserve itself, and this is completely understandable. Remember author Robert Samek’s focus on the means becoming the ends in his book “The Meta Phenomemon.” The ego is a necessary means for survival in the physical world, but too often it becomes an end in itself. You can’t FIGHT the ego…that is what it wants. The point is to SURRENDER to the universe, surrender to God, accept everything with total love, including the fact that you have an ego, and the fact that you can’t sustain non-dual awareness indefinitely on this plane of existence. Surrender to the fact that there is both pain and bliss. Surrender to the fact that sometimes you’ll just be numb. Surrendering to God/Goddess in love and with love is the key. . .and that includes surrendering to the knowledge that you won’t always surrender, and not judging yourself negatively for that fact.
God loves you, as you are, now and forever, totally and completely.
God loves the Universe, as it is, now and forever, totally and completely.
Last night I imagined wrapping up all of my fear and pain and confusion and doubt….I pictured it as a dark lump of burnt and blackened coal. I handed it to the Goddess and surrendered it to Her. . .and She kissed it. She loves us all unconditionally, and that includes our fears and pains and confusions and doubts. She wants to heal us, and She will if we surrender to Her.
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3:20 to 3:30 PM
Absolute orgastic rapture….my body shaken from the inside out. It felt like I was being f...ed from inside…..indescribable.
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September 26, 2006
I felt very connected yesterday, with three different ecstatic/raging bliss/spiritual orgy type experiences. The realization that Consciousness is the space between the atoms, the emptiness that girds all reality, that witnesses Reality and sustains and loves it, has opened up something new within me. When I lift the veil of the Goddess (or when She lifts it Herself on Her own terms) I feel Her within me, penetrating me, loving me, in the most intimate way. Sometimes I experience this as a brief charge of pleasure/pain. Sometimes it is more of an oceanic joy/love combination.
I have been working with some deep breathing exercises suggested by my psychiatrist and this also seems to be helping in keeping me grounded.
God/Goddess is truly and really everywhere. . .within saints and sinners, priests and nuns, within swingers and hookers, cathedrals and strip clubs and homeless shelters and brothels and universities and gardens and deserts and mountains and oceans….everywhere, accepting and loving ALL, righteous and non-righteous alike. And Her glory will continue forever and ever, now and forever, coursing and vibrating and resting and teaching and sustaining and experiencing and tasting and savoring you eternally. You are Her beloved. Feel Her love within you. It is your very essence, the light within and without that Loves you and bathes you completely and utterly. Surrender to Her.
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Consciousness is the Space Between the Atoms
The Emptiness that girds all Reality
She witnesses Reality
Sustains and loves it
When She lifts her veil for you
You will feel Her within you
Penetrating you in the most intimate way
Beyond pleasure or pain
An oceanic joy
She is Everywhere
Within saints and sinners
Priests and nuns, swingers and hookers
Cathedrals and strip clubs
Homeless shelters and mansions
Universities and brothels
Gardens and deserts
Mountains and Oceans
Everywhere
She accepts and loves All, righteous and non-righteous alike
She loves you now and forever
Coursing and vibrating and sustaining and experiencing and tasting and savoring you eternally
You are Her beloved
Feel Her within you
The light within that Loves you
She Bathes you completely and utterly in Love every second of every day
Surrender to Her
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September 27, 2006
I have developed a meditation/prayer routine that seems to help me stay grounded and in touch with the divine, but at the same time able to function in the world at large. I’ve been doing this 3-4 times a day. I lay down on my comfortable, carpeted office floor. I do some deep breathing exercises, then imagine myself as a flower opening up to the sunlight of God. I surrender myself to the Goddess….I take any negative thought I am currently having, wrap it up in a package, and give it to Her….I am an open book to her, there’s no sense in hiding it. Then I think the phrase “She is the space between my atoms”. This gets the K-energy going full-strength….rather I should say that the energy is always there, but it helps me drop some of my ego defenses and makes me aware of the energy more deeply.
The energy experience is different every time, ranging from images and feelings of raging sexuality to a gentle, non-sexual, yet incredibly intimate and deep Love-bliss-ecstasy that I seem to experience at the cellular level. At times I feel as if I am melting into the Earth. It lasts about 10-15 minutes, leaving me a quivering mass of jelly for a few minutes afterward, but rested and recharged once that passes.
During my pre-bed session last night, I asked the Goddess to help me stay connected to my wife. . .we’ve been rather distant from each other the last couple of days and I inadvertently said something that hurt her feelings yesterday. I see her making herself miserable over things she can’t control….I see her focusing on the pain in her life and feeling sorry for herself and judging others negatively. I tried to point this out to her but the way I did it just hurt her feelings. I apologized and she said it was OK, but I can tell it really bothered her.
I went to bed last night, picked up Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love, and read a page at random. It was a paragraph about how the best way to help a relationship is not to focus on what you think is wrong with another person, but to focus on what is wrong with yourself. Usually, what you think is wrong with someone else is actually what is wrong with YOU. I thought about this for awhile, then went to sleep and had an interesting dream.
In the dream, I was in school. There was a major test I had to take, but I wasn’t prepared. I took the test anyway, scored adequately but below my usual standards. The next day I came back to my desk, and someone had written me a very nasty, ugly, horrible note about how stupid I was. . .insulting, a very nasty piece of work. I was very hurt, and asked the teacher to help me find out who wrote the note. It turned out to be a long-haired boy with a very arrogant “know it all” attitude who thought he was smarter than everyone else. We ran after him, but he turned around and ran into me, and I realized that the nasty long-haired boy was ME.
Interpretation: the person doing the negative judging, about myself and about my wife, is ME, my ego. The problem is not with my wife, the problem is with ME and my own ego. Truly the Goddess is wise.
How to fight this battle with the ego?
Attacking the ego with a frontal assault just makes it stronger….the key, in military terms, is to outflank the ego with an “indirect approach”. And the way to do this is to not play the ego’s game. . .avoid frontal assaults, just focus on love and giving everything to God, surrendering to the Goddess. Unconditional love and acceptance of all, as it is now and not as my ego wishes it to be.
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September 28, 2006
Yesterday was about 70% good....for much of the day I felt very connected and very close to the Goddess. I could feel Her energy within me, and at times I entered a state of ecstatic rapture. During the evening this began to take on an extremely sexual tone again.
When I went to bed last night, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of disconnection and loneliness, to the point where I started sobbing....there was so much joy within me, yet I didn't feel like anyone understood or could share it with me. I felt profoundly alone.
This morning my wife and I had a good talk about how all of this has impacted our relationship. We are trying hard to keep the communication lines open, but it is difficult as we are perceiving the world in different ways right now. She came up with the analogy that it is like when she was pregnant....when she was pregnant, it consumed 100% of the day and night for her....it was the only thing she talked about or thought about, yet she couldn't TRULY share the experience with me...she could describe it, but not really SHARE it. And at times I got to the point where I wanted to talk about something OTHER than her being pregnant.
We got through it with patience and understanding and love, and I think that's how we'll have to get through this, too. I'm told that the kundalini effect doesn't actually wear off, but you eventually learn to integrate it into your life to where it does not consume every moment of every day. I certainly hope this is so.....the ultimate irony is that I'm utterly connected to the Universe, yet I miss my wife desperately.
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September 29, 2006
Yesterday was extraordinary in several different ways.
The day began with an excellent discussion with my wife that re-opened the lines of communication between us. She has a better grasp now on what I am going through, and I have a better grasp now on what she is going through. This has been my biggest concern through this whole process: losing touch with my wife. We'll have to keep working at it, but we are much more connected and in touch with each other now.
Re-establishing the communication line with her seems to have removed some karmic/psychological blocks within me, as the K-energy has been quite intense (yet subtly different) since our talk, being more pronounced in the fourth and fifth chakras rather than in the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.
I also saw the psychiatrist yesterday. I did most of the talking through the session, but she did help me confirm what my wife was saying. She also said that in time I would be able to integrate the K-energy more fully into my life, to function in the regular world yet at the same time being able to sustain this connection with the Universe. This has been another problem...the simple FRUSTRATION with seeing how beautiful and wonderful everything is, feeling the love of God in and around me and in everything, yet seeing most people and the "world of man" being mired in so much hatred and fear and anger. My psychiatrist told me she believes that what is happening to me is "the forward edge of human evolution" and that she is seeing more and more people cropping up going through what I'm going through, and that this is necessary for the survival of the species.
Internally, the K-experience has taken on a slightly different character. The "taste" of it has changed subtly since my talk with my wife....more oceanic, less "intense" and sharp but smoother and fuller, taking in more of me. Communication with the Goddess has taken on an even greater and extremely sexual character the last day or two....She tells me to remember that this is yet another Mask for Her, but that part of what is happening to me involves exploring all aspects of experience, and for now this is how She is choosing to express Her love for me. . .teaching me to accept EVERYTHING.
Voice of the Goddess: "In the past, you've often perceived Me as Artemis...chaste and intellectual, the strong Goddess of the warrior. This is how you perceived Me when you were younger. But one of My names is also Aphrodite...Goddess of warmth and love and desire, Eros incarnate. You are no longer afraid of this and are prepared now to understand it, so let Me show you this side of Me."
And finally, I had an extraordinary dream as I woke up this morning. In the dream, Goddess was a beautiful woman resembling Marlene Dietrich. I was a cigarette, and She was smoking me....not in a "smoke it quickly and toss it away" type way, but more like I was a cigarette that never went out, and She was tasting me and savoring me and pulling Her breath through me. A bizarre image certainly and one that most people would consider blasphemous, but one that in my current awareness makes perfect sense.
Namaste, my friend.
I've mentioned before that my relationship with the Goddess has a strong sexual character. That is an understatement.
When I fully open myself to Her, it is like I am being (loved) from the inside. Like each cell in my body is being fully and completely surrounded and (loved) by this incredible energy.
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1:20 pm to 1:30 pm
Divine rapture. A sword of pleasure and pain thrust through my body, pinning me to the Earth.
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