Kundalini Splendor

The ancients had it right. In order to prepare for kundalini, they withdrew from society, went into caves or forests (or nunneries and monasteries), carefully monitored their diets, strengthened and purified their bodies and spirits through yoga and meditative practice, sought to know God as a constant companion of their lives, and found a teacher qualified to lead them through this delicate process. The aim was to allow the energies to awaken slowly, gently, so as not to disrupt the body's normal functions, to permit it to adjust gradually to these new demands being made upon it on all levels.

Unfortunately, these are not the conditions under which most of us experience "spontaneous awakening" today. We are plunged into a wild river midstream, and suddenly it is sink or swim. We may grab desperately for a life preserver, flail about in the water, strain to keep our head above the torrent. This is the way of spontaneous massive transformation.

For some, the experience is overwhelmingly blissful, at least in the opening stages. We may be flooded with love, feel God moving in our bodies, know instant connection with the world and all that it contains. Everything looks beautiful--we may have wondrous visions, experience thrilling synchronicities, and begin to channel other voices or write spontaneous poetry. We are like creatures bound in darkness for centuries, suddenly released into light. All the levels of our being are awakened and finally seem to function in harmony--mind, body, spirit, the cells themselves celebrating this glorious transfiguration.

Others have a quite different experience. Those who have undergone trauma from childhood abuse--as well as adult catastrophe--may go into shock, know pain beyond description, fall into perpetual agony. The reason? That early suffering has set up patterns of response within the nerve circuits themselves, and these old ways of reacting will surface once again. The "bliss flows" encounter constant blocks and impediments and become instead "pain flows." To undo these knots of being, we must undergo long periods of healing through psychotherapy, body work, diet, supplements--and above all, we need massive doses of love. We need to be held and reassured that we are "o.k." no matter what the childhood script was to the contrary. We must learn to accept and validate ourselves as worthy human beings, give ourselves credit for who we are (good and worthy people, with a right to be and function, to touch and be touched at our deepest levels, to love and be loved). This project can take a very long time, but it is our assignment now, the work we must do to survive.

And there is another source of impediment to easy awakening. Many of us were not actually abused sexually or physically in childhood, but we simply did not get the right messages from our mothers to establish ourselves in confidence and assurance as rightful members of this society and citizens of this world. We were not told explicitly or indirectly that we were fine as we were, that we deserved limitless love, that we were progeny to be proud of. Perhaps the mother was uncaring, perhaps she herself was insecure and projected onto the child all her own fears of not "measuring up" to the judgmental standards of a demanding society. She may have consistently delivered to the child messages of inadequacy, and thus endowed her with a lifelong sense of sadness for her ostensible failures. We learned to be overly self critical, to deny our own capacities, to withdraw from the world, to tread all too cautiously when we were out in society. There was always an ache in the heart for something not named. We may have become afraid to feel. (I know a lot about this pattern, since this was my own.) We may have starred intellectually, but emotionally we still had danger spots. We were starving and did not know it. We may have clung to the other as a mother substitute, a defense against the cruel world.

At some point, there must be a breakthrough, a confrontation at its most painful levels, with this knowledge carried in the cells. We may have read about it in books, but now we must experience it in our blood. When that happens, real healing can begin and the energies can move forward more smoothly. Until then, the blocks and unsuccessful attempts at opening will continue, intermittently if not continuously, even though the bliss may also manifest in exteme measure. There are many ups and downs, periods of progression and pain, glory and despair.

And--we must not forget the effect of more immediate stress on our lives. Stress can trigger kundalini, and bring us into unimaginable bliss, but constant stress can slow or block our progress. One of the challenges of the new state is relationship. Lucky ones have partners who offer support and encouragement, and perhaps even join in the journey of spiritual transformation. Others find that the new state of being introduces alienation, resentment, and hostility from partners who feel cut off or abandoned. There is a high rate of divorce and separation among those who undergo extreme transformational experience. The two are now living in separate worlds, and they must decide how to move forward as a manageable unit, or else agree to part. The alternative is to cling to a now dysfunctional arrangement. (In addition there is the isolation often imposed by the inability to communicate the new state to friends and relatives, who lack understanding and comprehension of such "spiritual emergence" periods.)

In my case, I stayed with my partner for many years, during which time we grew more and more tense, more and more depressed, more and more distressed by the other's lack of understanding. I felt myself constantly perturbed, with more and more symptoms emerging. Always I wore heavy armor, always I was in a state of high tension and acute anxiety. The constant strain played havoc with my system, especially in the gastrointestinal area (as my doctor pointed out, the "gut", which is the entire area from the esophagus to the end, is the first to react to stress--thus problems in this area are often especially prominent during kundalini openings.) Only when she and I decided (finally) to live separately (just two years ago), did my symptoms virtually disappear, my digestion settle and my system balance. I had tried all sorts of gastrointestinal remedies previously--enzymes, fiber, dietary changes, herbs, supplements, ways to soothe the hiatal (esophageal) hernia--all helped, but nothing really fully worked until I escaped this recurrent source of stress, and--at last--felt what it must be like to be "normal."

Doubtless, many who undergo spontaneous awakening already possess acutely refined nervous systems, and kundalini intensifies an already sensitive set of reponses. Hence the amplification of both pleasure and pain when the energies emerge into consciousness, leading to both the agony and the ecstasy of the process.

We each follow our own path, have our own set of challenges, and must discover our own remedies. Kundalini is a gift we must (ultimately) earn, but it is a blessing beyond measure, for it allows us to know who we truly are. It tells us why we are here, and shows us the real purpose of our lives.