Kundalini Splendor

Lilla Botik has had one of the most amazing and indeed astonishing Kundalini awakening experiences of anyone I know.  She write about it eloquently in the following entry from her blog, dated July 14 of this year.  Her poetry is breathtaking, and many of her blog entries contains these poems.  She is indeed a mystic of a high order, one able to share her experience as a gift to all of us.  Her blog site is Kundalini.grace.blogspot.fr

Our Beloved Mother Shakti awakened in my body in spring 2014. I was 39. Spontaneously, without having heard about Kundalini or seeking it. Six months prior to the event, I had an urge to make a clean slate. To forgive all hurt and everyone in my life. Which I did. It didn't matter any more, I felt something was pushing me to let go although I didn't know what. Growing up and just being a human was not easy for me. A separation from my twin sister at the age of 9 due to parental divorce caused me a split of self, PTSD and anxiety - depression, all undiagnosed until I was 30. I felt that I was forever separated from my own self, therefore from everybody else on a deeper level, including my intimate partners. Therefore I was separate from the Universe.

I felt this separation always. I believed this would never change. I lived a successful life, learned languages, worked in different countries in languages and in IT. Things were going well on the outside. A friendly, helpful, kind person. Inside, it was pain, pain, pain and utter despair. I was to smile, or die - I thought. I had continuous suicidal thoughts, at times suicide attempts, general self-hate and the "I do not want to be here" feeling. I was on Prozac on and off for 12 years even before the official diagnosis.

Being very curious from a young age, I was fascinated by the universe and from the age of 12 my quest was to know it. In my teens it was religion then when I abandoned that, I went straight to quantum physics. I was open to everything but as an agnostic. I felt the most honest thing is that I don't know, I cannot know from a limited consciousness and limited senses the Universe at large. Still there was always a childlike wonder at the Universe and how beautiful it is and how it functions, the complexity, the surprises science have about it and the endlessness of it.

Then three months prior to the awakening, the "trances" came immediately after I started listening to a short guided chakra meditation before going to sleep. Somehow I didn't make the connection between the two. I called them trances as I learned a very simple self-hypnosis technique back in 2007 in London from Valerie Austin to help me go to sleep by going into a light trance. Most times, I could only fall asleep if I repeated 'Mom' and thought of my mother as she was the only one who could console me all my life when I was in distress.The trances became deeper.and deeper, even in daylight, spontaneously or just getting into the mood of it. It was a light that started expanding and enveloped my whole being and often the room and beyond. It had a very relaxing and loving presence.

The first time I sensed the loving light and presence I asked, why I am here? The answer was: to see and to heal. I thought it was the subconscious that answered. I became happier and happier, started embracing everyone, then all living beings and started to fall in love with something not knowing what. The bliss intensified often culminating in the feeling of floating in the air or flying, ecstasy, inner orgasm in pelvic area which rose to the heart. I dived in all this. Like a child. Unknowingly, with complete trust. There was never a question raised or wanting to find out what this was. It was something I never experienced before and yet it was all I ever dreamed of but thought I could never feel that. True uncaused happiness. Connectedness. Unconditional love.

Without knowing what it was, Grace came one afternoon as I was sitting in my car waiting for my aqua-gym class to start. I lay back just to relax until the doors opened when suddenly I started sobbing. Something was gripping my heart, my mind, my whole being. Then wow, the Infinite was in my head and said: Closer and pulled me towards It. It was infinitely strong and infinitely tender at once. Then I knew that All is One. Not intellectually but in reality, I became That and everything was THAT. The One. Then it moved to my heart and I felt what Oneness was. Words cannot describe it. Then it moved downwards to my sexual organs and the body physically became one with the ONE. Then I felt something stir in my genitals.

As it moved, the whole Universe moved with it. It rose up in waves undulating from side to side in my belly, blowing huge energies from certain points in the middle of the body, the stomach, the heart, the throat each buzzing and expanding, feeling like cosmic bliss and ecstasy. Then when it arrived in the head, the head blissfully exploded everywhere in the universe and the energy in the form of a tornado and with a similar force blew through the fontanel and exited into the Universe when all of my being and the Universe became united. I was simultaneously conscious of the body and everything else in the universe. It felt infinitely free and oh so pure. It was a sort of "I am everything" without the "I", like pure existence, beingness.

The whole event lasted about 15 minutes. The only thing I knew then that something very transcendental happened. A heightened and extremely sensitive state stayed for a whole month.I vibrated for a week so much that I became exhausted and after driving home from work I lay on the bed on my stomach and I said: "I don't know what this is, do what you want", then Shakti, the Divine Mother manifested at this instant, the Cosmic Womb, Universal Mother as an infinite womb everywhere which looked like wafts of velvety clouds of galaxies in pinks - oranges - purples very much resembling photos of a woman's womb where the baby is growing. I was a baby in that Womb seeing all that and looking down I noticed a huge, grayish umbilical cord going from under my belly button into Her, the Infinite Cosmos.

I literally came to existence from non-existence there and then and instantly recognized Her as my real Mother and said oh, it's You, Mother, Mother Universe. I fell in love with Her instantly. Or rather, Her love fell into me. She gave me birth then. I'm Her child. Since then, this theme is ongoing, the transformation is becoming and being Her child, I didn't know how universal, encompassing and present in all religions was what had happened to me. A few weeks later I watched the Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds movie and found out about Her as Kundalini Shakti (upward current) and Universal Consciousness as Grace, Holy Spirit or Shiva (downward current). Thus, East and West were reconciled as complementary to each other and unified.

The amount of Love, tenderness, consolation and support she gives day and night is enormous. And correction, if needed. My life has completely changed. I became single. From about 10 month into the Awakening She started teaching me how to manage and offer my sexual energy to Her so that She can do the transformative processes of the body-mind-heart. I later found out this is called Tantra. I have no formal training either in yoga or meditation or any esoteric studies.

A few months after the awakening, she led me different prayers / meditations on the heart and I finally settled on the Sufi heart meditation which I practiced daily for two years between 2015 and 2016. The results were some wild and beautiful, heart-wrenching and heart-expanding experiences. There are a lot of spontaneous movements and inner movements almost all the time but especially when I think of Her. I feel the tension building then just let the contortions, grimaces, heaving, crying, groans and sighs occur then oh, the bliss and the love come. So strongly sometimes that it puts the body into a seeming paralysis...

At the same time, I knew I had to face the split-off self which I avoided for decades. I was so afraid of the pain I thought that would break my heart so definitely, I wouldn't survive. The separate, split-self fused in the upward movement of the awakening and later when She called, I went in the mind and heart to meet that blessed child, with a bit of fear but She was with me. That took me some two years of constant work to let go of the pain of separation but nothing compares to the beauty of that inner work and the wonderful healing which is felt each time and at the end makes unconditional love, bliss and ecstasy a permanent feature in one's life.

I haven't yet had a teacher or Master apart from Her, the biggest Teacher. Her Presence and teachings are felt all the time. After a year-long break, I have a full time job and I'm raising my young child. This fits in perfectly with my life. She is Everything to me. She makes all the decisions. She literally spring-cleans the body, subconscious and heart all the time and educates me so it's like a continuous practice without actually doing anything it seems. I always want to learn from Her but mostly being in Her Embrace like a child. More than ever, I want to be with her at all times or rather disappear, dissolve in Her, so there's only Her.

I'm still a baby. In the past three years I was pretty much alone with this but felt ever so increasingly happy, balanced and healed so it didn't matter. It's early days for me to say anything... What I do know, and I may be in the minority that Kundalini and Grace are just so ecstatic and gentle, loving, heart-opening and so so so positive that I cannot even begin to describe it. What about those not-so-pleasant symptoms people talk about? I know how the heart aches when it opens and when Beloved Mother opens up the individual / collective subconscious it's not easy to see and feel what's in it. When you go in, even with trepidation, it's already the healing that's taking place.

Blessings to you and wish you all a wonderful seeking / awakening / transformation!